Your Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs (Part II)
[This sermon is from tape 5 of an 8 cassette series titled
"Love For A Lifetime", given by pastor David T. Moore of the Southwest
Community Church in Palm Desert California. (P.O. Box 14444, Palm Desert, CA
92255-4444.) This transcription is a continuation of "His Needs, Her Needs, Our
Needs."This awesome cassette series on how to make a marriage
really work, maintaining love for a lifetime, is available online at:
http://www.mooreonlife.com ,
cost, $38.95--and worth every penny of it!]
"Somebody
gave me a book this week, a little booklet called "He Says, She Says." It was
various definitions of words from a male perspective and from a female
perspective. And it was really fun reading, and I would like to share some of
it with you, but then I got to thinking "Now just me reading them isn't nearly
as effective as if I had a gal read the gal's parts and me read the guy's
parts." And many of you have asked "Is there really a Sonya? Does she exist?"
And, ah, she really does exist, and so I said, "Sony, would you mind working
through these definitions with me this morning? And that way people would see
that you really are a human being, and, ah, we could have some fun with this."
And she said she'd be happy to. Well almost she said that. So I want to
introduce my wife of twenty years, Sonya. She, she really does exist. We met in
a tropical fish store, twenty two years ago. And, ah, she came to visit a
friend there, and I worked there. And her friend said, "Why don't you put your
hand in this fish tank and feel the sea anemone, because it'll sting you and
it's kind of a fun thing." And so she stuck her hand in the tank, and her
friend walked out of the room, I walked in. My very first words to her were
"Get your hand out of that tank!" And, ah, we were friends, and dated for about
nine months, and engaged for nine months, and at the age of 21 we were married.
And it's been twenty years now that we celebrated last summer. And I love her!
And so, thank you for going through this with me. These are the definitions of
different words, and they're typically male and typically female, and certainly
don't represent our values at all, but at least it will point out the
differences in men and women. The first word is "atmosphere" [Sonya] "O.K.,
atmosphere, a place with romantic surroundings, tables for two, candlelight and
a strolling violinist." [Dave] "Atmosphere, any place with free pretzels,
big screen T.V. and Monday night football." "Conversational topics.
Interesting people, world affairs and social problems." "Conversational
topics--sports and politics." "Daydreaming--imagining you and your man on a
beach walking along the beach, and dancing under the stars."
"Daydreaming--something you do while your partner has a serious
conversation with you." "Delegation--asking others to do things for the
benefit of your family." Delegation--asking your wife to help you find your
glasses, car keys, and the remote control." "Directions--the first thing you
ask for to make sure you find your way." Directions--the last
thing you ever ask for, unless you're driving into a swamp."
"Dressing up--Spending hours on your hair, putting on a dynamic outfit, and
making sure your makeup's perfect." Dressing up--changing a T-shirt."
[Sonya] I thought it was socks! "Must-see documentaries--Making of the
President." Must-see documentaries--Making of a centerfold. (It's not me,
this is the average man, you know). Etiquette in automobiles--thanking him
for opening the door first." Etiquette in automobiles--Remembering to roll
down the window before you spit." (Don't tell Tyson these.") Parenting
advice to teens--Telling them you care and then guiding them with love and
wisdom." Parenting advice to teens--Ask your Mom." Flattering
hairdo's--Getting just the right cut and color to suit you." Flattering
hairdo--Getting one hair long enough to encircle your bald spot like linguini."
"Kissing--an expression of enjoyment and attraction." Kissing--first
base. [Sonya] Don't tell Tyson this one either! "Listening--focussing on
every word he says." Listening--paying attention until you think of
something more important to say." Manners--formal and informal rules of
thoughtful behaviors designed to make others in your presence feel appreciated
and comfortable." Manners--Wiping your mouth after you take a swipe from
the milk carton." Sharing responsibility--both parents contributing to the
relationship by sharing household chores." Sharing responsibility--You
leave the laundry around, she picks it up, you mess up the kitchen, she cleans
the dishes, you track in dirt, she cleans the floor." Thoughtful gifts for
your wife--Satin lingerie, gold, diamonds." Thoughtful gifts for your
wife--A new toaster, vacuum cleaner, thigh-master." (I did get that vacuum!)
(She did. Her first birthday after we were married I made the mistake of
buying her a vacuum cleaner and I've never made that mistake again.)
Well, let's jump into the message. We're going to take you on a quick
review. What we've been trying to do during the past several weeks in walk
through a series together called "Love For A Lifetime." And this morning is our
sixth session in this series, and it's really a part II of what we looked at
two weeks ago [the last transcription] "His Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs." We've
said all along through this entire series that men and women are very
different, and most of our problems are rooted in our differences. Every cell
in your body, men, is different than every cell in her body. She sees the world
differently, she describes the world differently. We interact differently, we
have different needs. Not only do we have individual needs, we have mutual
needs. One of the mutual needs that we have is we need spiritual fulfillment.
Everybody has that. Everybody in this room has a need for spiritual
fulfillment. That's because we're three-dimensional beings. Every one of us are
comprised of a body, soul and spirit. We are spiritual beings living in
physical bodies. And God intended us to become one with one another through
marriage, and true oneness requires a bonding of all three dimensions of your
being--body, soul and spirit. The bonding of your bodies is done through
physical touch and sex. The bonding of your souls comes through emotional and
relational interaction. And the bonding of your spirits comes through a shared
faith and through [shared] spiritual experiences. Now you can have a one, two
or three dimensional relationship. God's hope for all of us it that we will
have a three-dimensional relationship by not neglecting the spiritual dimension
of your life. We ought to be praying together, we ought to be worshipping
together, we ought to be growing together. We also have a second need, and that
second need is a need for emotional fulfillment. You see, everyone has an
emotional tank. The secret to staying in love is keeping that tank full. Now
all of our marital problems reflect an empty emotional tank. Every affair is
the ultimate result of an empty emotional tank. And most of our marital
misunderstandings are due to our failure to understand how to fill our mate's
tank. You see, we are responsible to fill that other person's tank. They can't
fill it themselves, they can't empty it themselves. We all have this driving
need to have this emotional tank filled. We make deposits in that person's
emotional tank when we meet their needs. We make withdrawals when we ignore
their needs. And the important thing about this is the fuel in that emotional
tank is the fuel upon which love burns. And if love is going to last a
lifetime, we must know how to fill the emotional tank of the person that we
live with. Now this morning we're going to review the two first needs of a man
and woman, and then focus most of our time on the next four. So all in all,
we're going to look at the five basic needs of a man, the five basic needs of a
woman. Now these needs are not mine, I didn't invent them. The basic needs that
I'll mention to you come from a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard
Harley. Now the information I'll be sharing with you is not necessarily his,
but I have found these to be absolutely consistent with my experience as a
pastor and as a husband and as a father, and as somebody who works with
couples. These five needs, when met, fill the emotional tank, which keeps love
burning. So we've got to know what they are and how to meet them. Now some of
them will sound stereo-typical, some of them will sound simplistic, some of
them will even sound chauvinistic. But I can tell you this, every successful
marriage I know of has most of these needs things going for it, these needs
being met. On the other hand, nearly every marriage I know of personally, where
there has been marital strife or problems, or where the marriage has fallen
apart, it was because these needs were not being acknowledged and met--the
emotional tanks were empty. So that's the focus this morning.
Now two
weeks ago we looked at the # 1 need of a woman, and that was the need for
affection. Now a woman needs affection. It is the cement of a relationship.
Men need to understand that affection is not an event, it's an environment. And
we as guys are responsible to create an environment of affection. Writing her
notes, sending her flowers, holding her hands, giving her that back-rub,
bringing her token gifts, hugging her, kissing her, all of these kinds of
things create an environment of affection. It's her # 1 need. It is the most
significant way to fill her emotional tank. The # 1 need of a man, on the other
hand, is sexual fulfillment. We saw from Scriptures in 1 Corinthians that God
calls us to meet one another's physical, sexual needs, and that it is so
important that nothing should interrupt those needs [being fulfilled] except a
short season of prayer. Men need sexual fulfillment, and if affection is the
cement of a relationship for a woman, then a fulfilling sexual relationship is
really the cement of a relationship for a man. And so his # 1 need--sexual
fulfillment, her # 1 need--affection.
Now, the # 2 need of a woman
is conversation. The second most significant way to fill her emotional tank, to
fuel love to burn for a lifetime is to communicate with her, to converse with
her. You see women enjoy conversation simply for the sake of conversing. She
needs daily conversation. If you're out of town guys, you ought to call her
every single day. She needs regular consistent conversation with you. How much
does she need? You're not going to like the answer. Most of the studies done
from successful couples to try to discover how much personal interaction and
communication is occurring during a week that causes love to grow, keep the
tank full, comes in somewhere around 10 to 15 hours a week. Ooow. Now when I
first began to read those studies I was very troubled. Because where in the
world am I going to get 15 minutes a day, much less 15 hours a week? And yet,
lest you think I'm crazy, you need to understand, as we walk through this, that
many of the other needs of a man and other needs of a woman, as you begin to
meet them, they also contribute to and meet this need. And 10 to 15 hours a
week, when you understand the rest of the scenario, is not such an unrealistic
figure. So don't allow yourself to say, "Well, I'll never make it." You see, if
love is to last a lifetime, you have to fall in love with the same person over
and over and over again. And that requires communication and lots of it.
People fall in love as a result of the time they spend exchanging
conversation and affection. So we need that much. The problem is, that
after the marriage, the average couple spends 37 minutes a week in meaningful
conversation. So 37 minutes a week is a long way from 10 to 15 hours. Is it any
wonder then that we as Americans in our fast-paced living lead the world in
divorce? We have allowed everything else to consume the time that was supposed
to be devoted to the # 2 need of a woman, and our marriages fall apart.
Somewhere along the line, she'll say something to you like, "You know, I miss
the talks that we once had." Because before you were married, you talked for
hours, right guys? Remember that? In fact, if you were to calculate it out, you
probably spent somewhere between 10 to 15 hours a week winning her hand in
marriage. Suddenly, when you've won the prize you think it's not necessary
anymore to keep falling in love. And yet it is absolutely essential. So she
misses it, so somewhere she'll say, "You know, I miss the talks we once had.
Honey, let's talk." Guys, that is the signal that her emotional tank is
emptying. And it needs to be replenished and refilled, and only you can do it.
And if you don't she will turn to someone else, someone else to converse with.
It ought to be you. The worse thing you can say guys, when she says "Honey,
let's talk"--the worse thing, I mean, this is the bottom of the pit guys, when
you say, "Sure! What do you want to talk about?!" Don't ever say that again.
That is not a good response. Her first thought will be, "Well, if you don't
know the answer to that question, then I guess we don't have anything to talk
about." It wounds her spirit, and you see, that answer "Sure! What'ya want to
talk about?!" reflects the male beat toward communicating for the purpose of
solutions. That's the way we talk, guys, we talked about this in our
communication series. But you see, women don't communicate for solutions, women
communicate for sharing. They share their soul as they talk out loud. And
that's why that answer is so aggravating to her. "Sure! What'ya want to talk
about?!" "Come'on get to it, spit it out? I'll solve it!" It bugs her. Now let
me turn the tables gentlemen, and let me illustrate to you how awful it sounds
to her when you say "Sure! What'ya want to talk about?!" Let's suppose that you
say to her "Honey, let's make love." And she says, "Why? Do you want to have
children?" That is exactly the same answer as when you say "What'ya want to
talk about?!" You see her answer is focussed on the end purpose, right?
Children! And I'll bet that answer would be aggravating to most of you
husbands. Am I right? You chicken-hearts?! You guys! "Oh no, wouldn't aggravate
me at all." You see, he's thinking when she would say that, "I just want to be
intimate with you." Well, when you say "Sure! Want'ya want to talk about?!"
she's thinking "Look I don't want a discussion, I don't want to solve the
world's problems, I just want to be intimate with you." Just as men find sex
enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment, women find conversation enjoyable for the
sake of enjoyment. And guys, it is that important to her, it is her # 2 need,
and God knew that, and so in his wisdom he gave us James 1:19. James 1:19 says,
"My dear brothers, make note of this. Everyone should be quick to hear, slow to
speak, and slow to become angry." Guys, we need to be quick to listen, slow to
speak. The result is a lack of anger in our relationships. God is brilliant, he
knew that was a # 2 need of a woman, so he said that to us so that we wouldn't
mess up the relationships. Her # 1 need--affection, her # 2
need--conversation. His # 1 need--sexual fulfillment. His # 2 need, very
interesting, look at Genesis chapter 2, verse 7. Genesis 2:7 says, "The Lord
formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the
breath of life and the man became a living being." Verse 15, "Then the Lord God
took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and to take care of
it." Verse 18, "Then the Lord said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone, I
will make a helper suitable for him.'" Verse 21, "So the Lord caused the man to
fall into a deep sleep and while he was sleeping he took one of man's ribs,
closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he
had taken from the man and he brought her to the man, and the man said this,
'Now this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she'll be called woman,
for she was taken out of man.' And for this reason a man shall leave his father
and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh." Next week
we're going to look at all the theology behind this as we talk about how to
affair-proof your marriage, and we talk about the bonding process and all of
that. But for now I want you to notice verse 18, it says, "The Lord says that
it is not good for a man to be alone. I'll make a suitable helper for him."
Gentlemen, the most suitable helper for you is the woman. It was God's design,
it was God's creation, it was what he knew you needed. Your # 2 need is a
recreational playmate, in your wife. Your # 1 need is sexual fulfillment. Your
# 2 need is a recreational playmate. You see, it's not good to be alone.
And so the most suitable helper for you, the suitable completer, the most
suitable fulfiller of relationships for you is that one special woman. Now let
me explain this for just a moment. Before the women often do recreational
things with men. You may remember that. You may remember that before you were
married you'd go fishing with him, or you'd throw a football with him, or you
might even stand beside his car and pass him a wrench. Or you might even lift
weights with him, or any one of a hundred other things that are recreational
things that you do typically before your marriage, and I think it's because
instinctively, women know that this is a good relationship builder. When we
went on our honeymoon, you now there was a limiting factor on finances and so
forth, and so we decided that we would spend four days, because that was all we
could afford, working our way down the coast of Monterray, Pacific Grove and so
forth, and in that area. And then we had three days left before I had to be
back at work, and so I said, "What do you want to do with those other three
days, Sony?" And she said, "I don't know. What do you want to do?" And I said,
"You know what I really want to do?" She said, "No. What do you really want to
do?" I said, "I want to go water skiing." "Water skiing?" "Yeah." "That's not a
very romantic way to spend your honeymoon." And today when I tell people "Yeah,
we went water skiing on our honeymoon." People look at me like, "What a
dirt-bag you are." But you see, what I didn't realize at the time, is the # 2
need of a man is for a recreational companion. And I instinctively wanted to
take her water skiing, and teach her to water ski. [Roger Littlefield and his
sailing-companion wife! What a close couple.] And that's what we did on my
honeymoon, took her to water ski. You see that T.V shows always portray guys
out in the woods, they're all alone, they're being men, you know. And they're
bragging, "This is the life, no women here, it doesn't get any better than
this!" Nonsense! Truth is, they'd rather have their wives along if their wives
enjoyed the same things they did. I mean, think about it guys, would you rather
look at Harry or your honey, you know? It's not really a contest. And God knew
that. That's why he said, "Look, it's not good to be alone, I'll make a helper
suitable for him." The most suitable recreational companion is your wife. And
ladies, you need to understand that. You see, what happens, is that after the
wedding, wives typically try to get their husbands interested in activities
more to their liking, and guys don't go for that. And so, usually when that
fails, the wives will encourage their husbands to continue on "and do what you
do without me, it'll be O.K. I'll see you when you get home, and we'll connect
later"--and they encourage them to go along and enjoy their recreational
things--and it's the worst thing that you can do for your marriage. Because
what happens then is he is having his # 2 need met somewhere else. Something
else or someone else is filling that emotional tank, and you ought to be
filling it instead. If you're doing things, guys, that she doesn't enjoy doing,
quit doing 'em and do something she enjoys. When we first got married, Sonya
and I, I liked to play baseball. And yet I would come into the house after
working, and two nights a week grab my cleats and my glove and head on out the
door and said, "See ya later." And on Saturdays, spent at the ball park. And
when volleyball season came around there was two nights a week of practice, and
you know, there were the games on Saturdays, so I was two nights and one day a
week when I was out. And she was always gracious and she always encouraged me,
but what I saw happening was that there was a growing resentment in her spirit.
Because if a man only has so much time for a recreational activity, "Why in the
would he rather be with those guys than with me?" [is what she's thinking.] And
she was right, so I put the volleyball aside, put the baseball aside, and we
started to cultivate things that we do together, and it's wonderful. And it's
the way we ought to be. We're meeting--you know when you're meeting not only
your second need but her second need, because you're talking. You're
communicating. There's conversation. And I just want you wives to understand
and appreciate that.
Right after I broke my leg I was at the hair-cutter
getting my hair cut and she asked me of course, "How'd you get your leg
broken?" And I said "I broke it riding dirt bikes." And she said, "Oh, my
husband loves to do that." "What does he ride?" And she said, "He rides those
quad-runner things." And I said, "Oh, have you ever gone with him?" She goes
"Are you kidding? Get out there in the hot and the sand and the dirt and the
stink. I'm not interested in that." And I said, "You know, you really ought to
try it, because the # 2 need of a man is a recreational companion." And she
said "# 2 need? What's his # 1 need?" And I said "Sex", and she said "Oh that
figures." But the # 2 need [of a man] is [for] a recreation companion. I said,
"I'll bet he's asked you to go with him, hasn't he?" She goes, "Yeah, all the
time." I said "Next time he asks you to go, blow his mind and say 'I'd love to
go.'" And she said, "Okay, I will." Well I went in to get my hair cut last
week. Sat down. She said "You're not going to believe what happened." I said
"What happened?" She said "I went quad-runner riding." I said "You did!?! "How
was it?" She says, "Oh it was awful. I flipped off, rolled and crashed and all
that kind of thing." And I said, "Well, there are no broken bones, so you did
okay." She said, "Yeah, I did okay." I said, "What did your husband think about
this?" and she said, "You would not believe this man's response. When I said
I'd like to go with him you would have thought he'd won the lottery. This was
the greatest thrill of his life!" And I said "See, # 2 need, a recreational
companion." When I'm out doing things, and I have fun without Sonya, my first
thought is "I wish Sonya was here." And so over the years we've grown to
appreciate this #2 need, and so we do everything together. We water ski
together, we scuba dive together, next month we're sky diving together. Now she
bought the tickets, so don't blame me! But I mean those are shared experiences
that produce the fertile soil in which love grows. And as my needs for a
recreational companion are met the love just continues to grow, and so I just
encourage you about that.
His # 1 need is sexual fulfillment, # 2 is
recreational playmate. Her # 1 need is an environment of affection, her # 2
need is conversation. # 3 is transparency. Openness and honesty gives a woman a
sense of security. They can't feel like you have any secrets from them. If
they feel like you have secrets, even if you don't, they will sense it and have
an insecurity about that relationship. I meet many men who feel like they have
a need for privacy, a need for their own space, a need for their man thing. But
I'll tell you what, that'll generally leave a wife feeling very uneasy. And so
as she feels uneasy she'll begin to ask you questions, "Where were you? What
were you doing? Who were you doing it with?" Not necessarily being mean or
anything, but she has a need to know. And then he will often feel like she's
prying into his private business. He'll often feel like, "You don't trust me.
Why are you asking me these questions? What's the matter?" which makes her feel
even more insecure. Listen, the truth is this, as a couple, God said we're
supposed to be one. And if there is a oneness about us, we have no private
business, because the 3rd greatest need in her life is to know
you--what you're doing, and what you're feeling, and what are the things you're
afraid of--all of that, transparency. When you are transparent with her, her
emotional tank is filled and love grows. You've got to be honest with
her. And if you're not, she'll feel insecure. One of my favorite stories
isn't recorded in the Bible, but it's a great story. Adam was out three or four
nights in a row, very late. Eve was becoming a little bit anxious about where
he was. And so she began to ask him those questions, and you see as a man
begins to withdraw and say "I need my private space" then she begins to pursue
even more, which drives him even further away. And so this contest is going on
"Where are you? Where've you been?" She gets very upset, and finally she says
"You're running around with another woman!" which is ridiculous. And he says
"Don't be ridiculous, you're the only woman on the planet!" And so they
continue to quarrel and finally Adam fell asleep only to be awakened by Eve
jabbing him in the side, and he woke up, "Ow! What do you think you're doing?"
And she said, "I'm counting your ribs!" She needs transparency, guys. She needs
to feel as though there are no secrets, and there ought not be any secrets. In
fact Ephesians chapter 4, verse 15 says, "Instead of playing games" that's my
translation. Instead it says, ""Speak the truth in love, grow up." Our
relationships ought to be characterized by truthfulness with one another. She
needs truth and transparency. You've got to tell her the truth. Even if the
truth is painful, painful truth is better than insecurity that covering truth
brings. If things aren't going well in business, tell her so. If you're
struggling in some area of your life, tell her so. When she asks you those very
difficult questions, tell her the truth. When she says, "How do you like my new
hairstyle?" Tell her the truth [laughter]. Speak the truth in love. Don't lie
to her and say "Oh it looks wonderful." Because you've just sent a double
message, and a double message says one thing with your words and another thing
with your body language--and she's perceptive, gentlemen. She will pick up upon
that, and she will feel insecure. And then she will begin to play those mind
games, "Well, if he's not telling me the truth about this, what else is he
being untruthful to me about?" And she will begin to become more clingy, and
you'll begin to withdraw even more, and both of your emotional tanks begin to
drain, and it's dumb. When all that we really need to do is to fulfill the
words of our Lord, and make sure that we're transparent. That mistrust gives
her a deep sense of insecurity. It sends mixed signals, she has no
foundation for the relationship. [i.e. Honesty, transparency builds the
foundation of the relationship--it's foundational.] Jesus Christ put it
very well. One of my favorite verses. I've told it to you many times, where
Jesus said "Let you yes mean yes, your no mean no, and anything beyond this is
evil." That's the best policy for being transparent.
# 3 need of a man.
Look at Judges 14. Judges 14, verse 1. It says, "Then Sampson went down to
Timna and saw a woman in Timna, one of the daughters of the Philistines. So he
came back to his father and his mother and said, 'I saw a woman in Timna, one
of the daughters of the Philistines, now there, get her for me as a wife.' Then
his father and mother said to him, 'Is there no woman among all of our people,
that you have to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?' But Sampson
said to his father, 'Get her for me, for she looks good to me.'"
She looked good to Sampson. Now ladies, you may not like this
one, but I'm gonna cut it real straight with you. The # 3 need of a man is
an attractive wife. Men are visually oriented. Sampson made his decision on
his wife solely on the superficial grounds of her physical appearance. Is that
shallow? Yes! But is it real? Absolutely. Men are creatures of sight. A lot of
times young guys now will be asking me questions about how I picked Sonya and
'How'd you know you were in love with her?' 'What kind of insights can you give
me?' And I always get a kick out of that, and I tell them, "I don't have a clue
man, I got lucky." Because it wasn't so much insight that caused me to pick
her, it was eyesight that caused me to pick her. And then we
worked out the details as we went along the way. But men need an attractive
wife. Now women are different from men. See a woman can look beyond a man's
physical appearance and love him for what's on the inside. Aren't you glad
guys? Because you're all ugly. But it is nearly impossible for a man to
appreciate a women for inner qualities alone. I love the story of the farmer
who took his family to town. They hadn't been to town for years, and they went
to this big department store. First time they'd ever been to a department
store. And the wife was off shopping, and the father and son were tired of
course now. And they sat down in front of the elevator. And they saw this
rather large elderly woman waddle into the elevator. The door closed. Just
moments later the doors open and this beautiful young woman walked out. And the
man looked to his boy and said, "I gonna get Mom and run her through that
thing!" Men are visually oriented. Now, I'm not saying that every woman should
look like Sharon Stone. But every woman ought to make the most of what she has.
He loved you for whatever you were when you were first married, he will
continue to love you, just take care of it. You see, attractiveness is not what
you have, but what you do with what you have. And an attractive woman is made,
not born. Sometimes I see pictures in magazines of models on one side of the
page without their makeup and on the other side of the page with their makeup
and it is absolutely astounding. You look at these women on the one side and
think, "Holy smoke, what are they doing there?" and then you look on the other
side and say, "Well that makes sense." And then you find out it's the same
person and you go "There's no way!" I'm not saying a woman should be eternally
young. But getting older is no excuse for letting yourself go. And getting
older is no excuse for failing to fix your hair or dressing like a bag-lady.
One elderly lady here at church said, "You know I'm just as beautiful as I ever
was, it just takes me a little longer to get that way." Leaving this morning,
another lady said, "Youth is a work of nature, middle age is a work of art."
Well, there's truth to both of those statements. But the reality is, if you
don't look good, he won't look very much. And then he'll tend to notice other
women, especially good looking ones. And then he'll tend to make comments about
them. That's horrible for the relationship, by the way. And if he's a
Christian, he'll actually feel guilty about looking. Your marriage will begin
to have a limp. Husbands will be turned off, not very interested in sex.
Generally won't be that affectionate, so he won't meet your # 1 need. Worse
yet, he may start fantasizing about someone else when he's intimate with you,
develop a mistress of the mind, very unhealthy. Worst of all he might start
looking somewhere else to have his need met, so it really is an important one.
Even as superficial as it sounds, it's very real. Simple test to know how
you're doing, ladies. A wife's attractiveness to her husband is very easily
measured by how much he wants to touch her, squeeze her, pinch her, whatever,
but he will make it known to you that you look good to him. Another indicator
is that when a man is pleased with his wife's appearance, he will be very
enthusiastic about expressing how pleased he is with your appearance. And on
the other hand, when a man has little to say it might be because he doesn't see
much to talk about. And so that's the # 3 need of a man. Now let's get off of
that one. And guys, quit elbowing that lady sitting next to you.
Now,
fourth need of a wife--financial security. 1 Timothy chapter 5, verses 7
and 8. "Give the people these instructions too, so that no one will be open to
blame. If anyone does not provide for his relatives, especially of his
immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
Catch that? The financial obligation of the man to provide for his family. God
knew that women have a need for financial security. They need to be able to
look out on the horizon and feel secure that it's going to be O.K. The need for
financial security and support is deep and very serious for a woman. And the
problem is that many times we ignore that as men because you can typically
function day-to-day, but she needs to function in the future. Remember just a
few weeks ago we said that's why you carry a wallet, men, and she carries a
purse. She's prepared for every possible thing that can come her way--you're
prepared for the moment. Likewise, her fourth need is for financial
security. Couples need to learn to live within their means. Especially the
younger couples that are here with us this morning and the younger couples that
will hear this via the radio and so forth. I really believe that the best rule
of thumb for the economic success is to make sure that you live on all of the
basics of life provided for from his check, not hers. I know that sounds kind
of narrow minded and it sounds a little bit chauvinistic and so forth, but
there's a very good reason for that, because most young couples find themselves
living far beyond their means. They find themselves strapped into a lifestyle
where they need both incomes just to make ends meet. And what this does within
her, it creates an insecurity because she thinks things like "What if he gets
hurt? What if I get sick? What if I have a child?" And it's terrible stress on
the family. And so the wonderful thing to do is to plan ahead and know guys
that her 4th need is financial security. That means you take care of
the insurance issues and get those things in line, and that you start working
toward just working off your salary. When I was first married to Sony I made a
whapping $600 a month. Boy I thought I was rich. Then Sonya got a job working
for a boat company and she made $800 a month. But when I got that first raise
and I moved up to $650 a month, Sonya cut her hours and went down to $750. When
I got the next raise and went to $700, she went down to $700. When I went up to
$750, she went down to $650, and we continued to do that until she was working
just the hours she was comfortable with, and we made it a point to keep our
standard of living such that we could live off of my check instead of living
beyond our means. The great thing about that is when children came along four
years into our marriage (now I know not everybody has that kind of time span
and so forth), but the great thing about it was, our financial security was in
place. By that time Sonya's paycheck was going into savings or toys or
something we didn't have to have to have it to live on. And she was able to
make a choice. A choice of staying home or going back, but she had a choice.
This gives a woman security. And young couples ought to work toward having that
choice. And if his paycheck doesn't cover the basic expenses, you have four
options. One option is he can work longer hours or get a second job, but that's
not good for your marriage. The second option is you can use credit cards to
sustain a phony standard of living until you're so deeply in debt that you
don't know what you're gonna do. That's not a good solution. She can be forced
to work, but that's not a good solution because those who study relationships
say that most married women tell counselors that they resent working. If
they're working, it's only going to absolute necessities. Now I realize when
you're first married, sometimes you have to do that. And one of the ingredients
that's important to understand is that you may have to do this for a time, but
if she feels like "I'm gonna be trapped here forever", she is not going to feel
financially secure. Maybe the two of you work very hard for a short time and
work toward some common goal, but don't do that to the extent that it damages
your relationship. And there is a 4th option, and that is a family
can lower it's standard of living. That's the best option, live within your
means. Living within your means grants financial security, which is her fourth
need, which fills her emotional tank. Your marriage begins to thrive, even
without the toys. So the # 1 need of a woman, affection, # 2 conversation, #
3 transparency, # 4 financial security. The # 1 need of a man is sexual
fulfillment, # 2 recreational playmate, # 3 an attractive wife, # 4 is found in
proverbs chapter 31, verse 10. It says, "The wife of a noble character who
can find? She's worth more than rubies." O.K. here's the gal who's worth more
than rubies to a guy, verse 11, "Her husband has full confidence in her and
lacks nothing of value." Verse 13, "She selects wool and flax and works eagerly
with her hands. She's like the merchant ships bringing food from afar." "She
gets up" verse 15 says "when it's still dark and provides food for her family
and portions for the servant girls." Verse 19, "In her hand she holds the
distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers." Verse 21 says "when it snows
she has no fear for her household, for all of them are clothed in scarlet."
You now what that's about?--domestic support. That's the #4 need of a
man--help on the homefront. You see, most men feel overworked. I'm not
saying how they are, that's how they feel. Most guys feel like they've done
everything to make the standard of living where it is. Most guys
feel, they have this unspoken expectation, since
they have worked so hard, that she ought to simplify their lives
by cooking the meals, washing the clothes, and keeping the house picked up. I'm
not saying it's right, but I'm saying it's real. I really think that guys ought
to be helping out at home. The guys ought to be helping out with the chores and
all that. I do all that kind of stuff around the house, I think it's healthy.
But basically man feels like he needs domestic support. He needs order in his
home. It's very important to him. I'm not sure why, but it's very real. And
despite all the women's lib stuff and the idea of being Mr. Mom and the
household chores and all that kind of thing, it still isn't very popular with
most men. Most men are looking for a woman to help manage the household stuff.
But guys, you oughta help. There was a great survey done recently. U.S.A. Today
conducted a survey asking women if they would prefer their men to help with the
household chores or to watch their man dance naked. Surprise, surprise--way
into the 70 percents, the women said "clean the house, for heavens sake!" When
asked if you could marry a man who is very attractive who would help with no
household chores, or marry someone who is very unattractive who would help with
the household chores, who would you pick? Sixty some percent said that "I'd
take the ugly guy who helps with the dishes" So guys, you oughta be helping,
but on the other hand ladies, it's his # 4 need. So let's go to # 5 and we'll
wrap this up.
#5 need of a woman. She needs her man to be a good
father. Ephesians chapter 6, verse 4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your
children, instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
The responsibility of the wellbeing of the family and the children rests upon
Dad. You are the trend-setter, the pace setter and that is what you ought to be
fulfilling in your relationship. And it's not surprising then that women have
this as their 5th need. She has a profound need for you to love her
kids. If you are in a blended family and you have stepchildren, men, love those
children. She needs it. You fill her emotional tank when you love those
children. You fill her emotional tank when you are patient with those children.
Women seem to know instinctively what psychologists are finally discovering
that a man's role in the family is absolutely essential. And when a father
avoids that role his wife loses her admiration for him, her tank begins to
drain, the marriage begins to suffer.
The 5th need of a
man--admiration. Ephesians 5:33 says the wife must respect her husband.
Ladies, every man wants his wife to be proud of him. Every man needs and
expects his wife to be his biggest fan. The whole world can be coming apart
around him, and if you're standing in his corner, he will make it. Honest
admiration of him is a great motivation. Criticism, on the other hand, will
make him defensive. And yet when you admire him, when you tell him that you
think he's wonderful--and you appreciate the hard work he has done, whatever it
is--he will generally try to live up to your expectations and he will die
trying to be for you what he ought to be anyway--because admiration inspires
him.
And so we all have an emotional tank. Love is fueled by the
contents of that emotional tank. It is filled for women by affection,
conversation, transparency, financial support, and being a good father. It's
filled for men by a fulfilling sex life, a recreational friend, an attractive
wife, a domestic support and admiration.
It's wonderful the way God made
us isn't it? And now our job is to fulfill the mandates of the Scriptures, and
to apply to our relationships what we have learned, so that the emotional tanks
are full, so love can grow and last for a lifetime."
Prayer
"We bow before you this morning Father and we confess that there are times that we don't fill one another's tanks very well. For that we ask you to forgive us. And Father I pray that you would move in the hearts of the men and women here this morning and if there are areas that we have neglected and failed to meet the needs of our partner, may we begin today. Give us the courage to ask them to forgive us, and help us to start to do better. And while your heads are bowed and your eyes are closed, and we close our time this morning, I don't want you to forget the first mutual need that we have as people. And that is the need for spiritual fulfillment. You'll never really be able to fulfill those basic needs that fill the emotional tank until you've met the spiritual needs of one another. You really do need a shared faith. You really do need to pray together. You really do need to grow spiritually together. And that begins when you establish a relationship with the Creator of the Universe. God loves you. God wants to have a relationship with you. God wants to forgive you. The great news is that God wants to come into your life and help you to become the person you'll never be by yourself. And so that's why we always close our service coming back to the basic issues of life, spiritual life. If you're ready today to experience God's forgiveness, to have him come into your life and help you become the person you ought to be, to give you eternal life, then right now where you sit you can pray a simple prayer that starts you on the greatest journey of eternity. The prayer goes something like this. Just quietly between you and your Lord you can pray something like: "Lord, thank you for loving me. Forgive me for all I've ever done that's wrong. Help me to become the person that you created me to be. Help me to begin to meet the needs of that special person in my life. And thank you, in Jesus name, thanks. Amen."