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Your Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs (Part II)
[This sermon is from tape 5 of an 8 cassette series titled
"Love For A Lifetime", given by pastor David T. Moore of the Southwest
Community Church in Palm Desert California. (P.O. Box 14444, Palm Desert,
CA 92255-4444.) This transcription is a continuation of "His Needs, Her
Needs, Our Needs."This awesome cassette series on how
to make a marriage really work, maintaining love for a lifetime, is available
online at: http://www.mooreonlife.com , cost,
$38.95--and worth every penny of it!]
"Somebody gave me a book this week, a little booklet called "He Says,
She Says." It was various definitions of words from a male perspective
and from a female perspective. And it was really fun reading, and I would
like to share some of it with you, but then I got to thinking "Now just
me reading them isn't nearly as effective as if I had a gal read the
gal's parts and me read the guy's parts." And many of you have asked "Is
there really a Sonya? Does she exist?"
And, ah, she really does exist, and so I said, "Sony, would you mind
working through these definitions with me this morning? And that way
people would see that you really are a human being, and, ah, we could
have some fun with this."
And she said she'd be happy to. Well almost she said that. So I want
to introduce my wife of twenty years, Sonya. She, she really does exist.
We met in a tropical fish store, twenty two years ago. And, ah, she came
to visit a friend there, and I worked there. And her friend said, "Why
don't you put your hand in this fish tank and feel the sea anemone, because
it'll sting you and it's kind of a fun thing." And so she stuck her hand
in the tank, and her friend walked out of the room, I walked in. My very
first words to her were
"Get your hand out of that tank!" And, ah, we were friends, and dated
for about nine months, and engaged for nine months, and at the age of
21 we were married. And it's been twenty years now that we celebrated
last summer. And I love her! And so, thank you for going through this
with me. These are the definitions of different words, and they're typically
male and typically female, and certainly don't represent our values at
all, but at least it will point out the differences in men and women.
The first word is "atmosphere" [Sonya] "O.K., atmosphere, a place
with romantic surroundings, tables for two, candlelight and a strolling
violinist." [Dave] "Atmosphere, any place with free pretzels, big
screen T.V. and Monday night football." "Conversational topics. Interesting
people, world affairs and social problems." "Conversational topics--sports
and politics." "Daydreaming--imagining you and your man on a beach
walking along the beach, and dancing under the stars." "Daydreaming--something
you do while your partner has a serious conversation with you." "Delegation--asking
others to do things for the benefit of your family." Delegation--asking
your wife to help you find your glasses, car keys, and the remote control." "Directions--the
first thing you ask for to make sure you find your way." Directions--the last
thing you ever ask for, unless you're driving into a swamp." "Dressing
up--Spending hours on your hair, putting on a dynamic outfit, and making
sure your makeup's perfect." Dressing up--changing a T-shirt." [Sonya]
I thought it was socks! "Must-see documentaries--Making of the President." Must-see
documentaries--Making of a centerfold. (It's not me, this is the average
man, you know). Etiquette in automobiles--thanking him for opening
the door first." Etiquette in automobiles--Remembering to roll down
the window before you spit." (Don't tell Tyson these.") Parenting
advice to teens--Telling them you care and then guiding them with love
and wisdom." Parenting advice to teens--Ask your Mom." Flattering
hairdo's--Getting just the right cut and color to suit you." Flattering
hairdo--Getting one hair long enough to encircle your bald spot like
linguini."
"Kissing--an expression of enjoyment and attraction." Kissing--first
base. [Sonya] Don't tell Tyson this one either! "Listening--focussing
on every word he says." Listening--paying attention until you think
of something more important to say." Manners--formal and informal
rules of thoughtful behaviors designed to make others in your presence
feel appreciated and comfortable." Manners--Wiping your mouth after
you take a swipe from the milk carton." Sharing responsibility--both
parents contributing to the relationship by sharing household chores." Sharing
responsibility--You leave the laundry around, she picks it up, you mess
up the kitchen, she cleans the dishes, you track in dirt, she cleans
the floor." Thoughtful gifts for your wife--Satin lingerie, gold,
diamonds." Thoughtful gifts for your wife--A new toaster, vacuum
cleaner, thigh-master." (I did get that vacuum!) (She did. Her
first birthday after we were married I made the mistake of buying her
a vacuum cleaner and I've never made that mistake again.)
Well, let's jump into the message. We're going to take you on a quick
review. What we've been trying to do during the past several weeks in
walk through a series together called "Love For A Lifetime." And this
morning is our sixth session in this series, and it's really a part II
of what we looked at two weeks ago [the last transcription] "His Needs,
Her Needs, Our Needs." We've said all along through this entire series
that men and women are very different, and most of our problems are rooted
in our differences. Every cell in your body, men, is different than every
cell in her body. She sees the world differently, she describes the world
differently. We interact differently, we have different needs. Not only
do we have individual needs, we have mutual needs. One of the mutual
needs that we have is we need spiritual fulfillment. Everybody has that.
Everybody in this room has a need for spiritual fulfillment. That's because
we're three-dimensional beings. Every one of us are comprised of a body,
soul and spirit. We are spiritual beings living in physical bodies. And
God intended us to become one with one another through marriage, and
true oneness requires a bonding of all three dimensions of your being--body,
soul and spirit. The bonding of your bodies is done through physical
touch and sex. The bonding of your souls comes through emotional and
relational interaction. And the bonding of your spirits comes through
a shared faith and through [shared] spiritual experiences. Now you can
have a one, two or three dimensional relationship. God's hope for all
of us it that we will have a three-dimensional relationship by not neglecting
the spiritual dimension of your life. We ought to be praying together,
we ought to be worshipping together, we ought to be growing together.
We also have a second need, and that second need is a need for emotional
fulfillment. You see, everyone has an emotional tank. The secret to staying
in love is keeping that tank full. Now all of our marital problems reflect
an empty emotional tank. Every affair is the ultimate result of an empty
emotional tank. And most of our marital misunderstandings are due to
our failure to understand how to fill our mate's tank. You see, we are
responsible to fill that other person's tank. They can't fill it themselves,
they can't empty it themselves. We all have this driving need to have
this emotional tank filled. We make deposits in that person's emotional
tank when we meet their needs. We make withdrawals when we ignore their
needs. And the important thing about this is the fuel in that emotional
tank is the fuel upon which love burns. And if love is going to last
a lifetime, we must know how to fill the emotional tank of the person
that we live with. Now this morning we're going to review the two first
needs of a man and woman, and then focus most of our time on the next
four. So all in all, we're going to look at the five basic needs of a
man, the five basic needs of a woman. Now these needs are not mine, I
didn't invent them. The basic needs that I'll mention to you come from
a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Now the information
I'll be sharing with you is not necessarily his, but I have found these
to be absolutely consistent with my experience as a pastor and as a husband
and as a father, and as somebody who works with couples. These five needs,
when met, fill the emotional tank, which keeps love burning. So we've
got to know what they are and how to meet them. Now some of them will
sound stereo-typical, some of them will sound simplistic, some of them
will even sound chauvinistic. But I can tell you this, every successful
marriage I know of has most of these needs things going for it, these
needs being met. On the other hand, nearly every marriage I know of personally,
where there has been marital strife or problems, or where the marriage
has fallen apart, it was because these needs were not being acknowledged
and met--the emotional tanks were empty. So that's the focus this morning.
Now two weeks ago we looked at the # 1 need of a woman, and that was
the need for affection. Now a woman needs affection. It is the cement
of a relationship. Men need to understand that affection is not an event,
it's an environment. And we as guys are responsible to create an environment
of affection. Writing her notes, sending her flowers, holding her hands,
giving her that back-rub, bringing her token gifts, hugging her, kissing
her, all of these kinds of things create an environment of affection.
It's her # 1 need. It is the most significant way to fill her emotional
tank. The # 1 need of a man, on the other hand, is sexual fulfillment.
We saw from Scriptures in 1 Corinthians that God calls us to meet one
another's physical, sexual needs, and that it is so important that nothing
should interrupt those needs [being fulfilled] except a short season
of prayer. Men need sexual fulfillment, and if affection is the cement
of a relationship for a woman, then a fulfilling sexual relationship
is really the cement of a relationship for a man. And so his # 1 need--sexual
fulfillment, her # 1 need--affection.
Now, the # 2 need of a woman is conversation. The second most significant
way to fill her emotional tank, to fuel love to burn for a lifetime is
to communicate with her, to converse with her. You see women enjoy conversation
simply for the sake of conversing. She needs daily conversation. If you're
out of town guys, you ought to call her every single day. She needs regular
consistent conversation with you. How much does she need? You're not
going to like the answer. Most of the studies done from successful couples
to try to discover how much personal interaction and communication is
occurring during a week that causes love to grow, keep the tank full,
comes in somewhere around 10 to 15 hours a week. Ooow. Now when I first
began to read those studies I was very troubled. Because where in the
world am I going to get 15 minutes a day, much less 15 hours a week?
And yet, lest you think I'm crazy, you need to understand, as we walk
through this, that many of the other needs of a man and other needs of
a woman, as you begin to meet them, they also contribute to and meet
this need. And 10 to 15 hours a week, when you understand the rest of
the scenario, is not such an unrealistic figure. So don't allow yourself
to say, "Well, I'll never make it." You see, if love is to last a lifetime,
you have to fall in love with the same person over and over and over
again. And that requires communication and lots of it. People fall
in love as a result of the time they spend exchanging conversation and
affection. So we need that much. The problem is, that after the marriage,
the average couple spends 37 minutes a week in meaningful conversation.
So 37 minutes a week is a long way from 10 to 15 hours. Is it any wonder
then that we as Americans in our fast-paced living lead the world in
divorce? We have allowed everything else to consume the time that was
supposed to be devoted to the # 2 need of a woman, and our marriages
fall apart. Somewhere along the line, she'll say something to you like, "You
know, I miss the talks that we once had." Because before you were married,
you talked for hours, right guys? Remember that? In fact, if you were
to calculate it out, you probably spent somewhere between 10 to 15 hours
a week winning her hand in marriage. Suddenly, when you've won the prize
you think it's not necessary anymore to keep falling in love. And yet
it is absolutely essential. So she misses it, so somewhere she'll say, "You
know, I miss the talks we once had. Honey, let's talk." Guys, that is
the signal that her emotional tank is emptying. And it needs to be replenished
and refilled, and only you can do it. And if you don't she will turn
to someone else, someone else to converse with. It ought to be you. The
worse thing you can say guys, when she says "Honey, let's talk"--the
worse thing, I mean, this is the bottom of the pit guys, when you say, "Sure!
What do you want to talk about?!" Don't ever say that again. That is
not a good response. Her first thought will be, "Well, if you don't know
the answer to that question, then I guess we don't have anything to talk
about." It wounds her spirit, and you see, that answer "Sure! What'ya
want to talk about?!" reflects the male beat toward communicating for
the purpose of solutions. That's the way we talk, guys, we talked about
this in our communication series. But you see, women don't communicate
for solutions, women communicate for sharing. They share their soul as
they talk out loud. And that's why that answer is so aggravating to her. "Sure!
What'ya want to talk about?!" "Come'on get to it, spit it out? I'll solve
it!" It bugs her. Now let me turn the tables gentlemen, and let me illustrate
to you how awful it sounds to her when you say "Sure! What'ya want to
talk about?!" Let's suppose that you say to her "Honey, let's make love." And
she says, "Why? Do you want to have children?" That is exactly the same
answer as when you say "What'ya want to talk about?!" You see her answer
is focussed on the end purpose, right? Children! And I'll bet that answer
would be aggravating to most of you husbands. Am I right? You chicken-hearts?!
You guys! "Oh no, wouldn't aggravate me at all." You see, he's thinking
when she would say that, "I just want to be intimate with you." Well,
when you say "Sure! Want'ya want to talk about?!"
she's thinking "Look I don't want a discussion, I don't want to solve
the world's problems, I just want to be intimate with you." Just as men
find sex enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment, women find conversation
enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment. And guys, it is that important to
her, it is her # 2 need, and God knew that, and so in his wisdom he gave
us James 1:19. James 1:19 says,
"My dear brothers, make note of this. Everyone should be quick to hear,
slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Guys, we need to be quick to
listen, slow to speak. The result is a lack of anger in our relationships.
God is brilliant, he knew that was a # 2 need of a woman, so he said
that to us so that we wouldn't mess up the relationships. Her # 1
need--affection, her # 2 need--conversation. His # 1 need--sexual fulfillment. His
# 2 need, very interesting, look at Genesis chapter 2, verse 7. Genesis
2:7 says, "The Lord formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed
into his nostrils the breath of life and the man became a living being." Verse
15, "Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden
to work it and to take care of it." Verse 18, "Then the Lord said, 'It
is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for
him.'" Verse 21, "So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep
and while he was sleeping he took one of man's ribs, closed up the place
with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken
from the man and he brought her to the man, and the man said this, 'Now
this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she'll be called woman,
for she was taken out of man.' And for this reason a man shall leave
his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become
one flesh." Next week we're going to look at all the theology behind
this as we talk about how to affair-proof your marriage, and we talk
about the bonding process and all of that. But for now I want you to
notice verse 18, it says, "The Lord says that it is not good for a man
to be alone. I'll make a suitable helper for him."
Gentlemen, the most suitable helper for you is the woman. It was God's
design, it was God's creation, it was what he knew you needed. Your
# 2 need is a recreational playmate, in your wife. Your # 1 need is sexual
fulfillment. Your # 2 need is a recreational playmate. You see, it's
not good to be alone. And so the most suitable helper for you, the suitable
completer, the most suitable fulfiller of relationships for you is that
one special woman. Now let me explain this for just a moment. Before
the women often do recreational things with men. You may remember that.
You may remember that before you were married you'd go fishing with him,
or you'd throw a football with him, or you might even stand beside his
car and pass him a wrench. Or you might even lift weights with him, or
any one of a hundred other things that are recreational things that you
do typically before your marriage, and I think it's because instinctively,
women know that this is a good relationship builder. When we went on
our honeymoon, you now there was a limiting factor on finances and so
forth, and so we decided that we would spend four days, because that
was all we could afford, working our way down the coast of Monterray,
Pacific Grove and so forth, and in that area. And then we had three days
left before I had to be back at work, and so I said, "What do you want
to do with those other three days, Sony?" And she said, "I don't know.
What do you want to do?" And I said,
"You know what I really want to do?" She said, "No. What do you really
want to do?" I said, "I want to go water skiing." "Water skiing?" "Yeah." "That's
not a very romantic way to spend your honeymoon." And today when I tell
people "Yeah, we went water skiing on our honeymoon." People look at
me like, "What a dirt-bag you are." But you see, what I didn't realize
at the time, is the # 2 need of a man is for a recreational companion.
And I instinctively wanted to take her water skiing, and teach her to
water ski. [Roger Littlefield and his sailing-companion wife! What a
close couple.] And that's what we did on my honeymoon, took her to water
ski. You see that T.V shows always portray guys out in the woods, they're
all alone, they're being men, you know. And they're bragging, "This is
the life, no women here, it doesn't get any better than this!" Nonsense!
Truth is, they'd rather have their wives along if their wives enjoyed
the same things they did. I mean, think about it guys, would you rather
look at Harry or your honey, you know? It's not really a contest. And
God knew that. That's why he said, "Look, it's not good to be alone,
I'll make a helper suitable for him." The most suitable recreational
companion is your wife. And ladies, you need to understand that. You
see, what happens, is that after the wedding, wives typically try to
get their husbands interested in activities more to their liking, and
guys don't go for that. And so, usually when that fails, the wives will
encourage their husbands to continue on "and do what you do without me,
it'll be O.K. I'll see you when you get home, and we'll connect later"--and
they encourage them to go along and enjoy their recreational things--and
it's the worst thing that you can do for your marriage. Because what
happens then is he is having his # 2 need met somewhere else. Something
else or someone else is filling that emotional tank, and you ought to
be filling it instead. If you're doing things, guys, that she doesn't
enjoy doing, quit doing 'em and do something she enjoys. When we first
got married, Sonya and I, I liked to play baseball. And yet I would come
into the house after working, and two nights a week grab my cleats and
my glove and head on out the door and said, "See ya later." And on Saturdays,
spent at the ball park. And when volleyball season came around there
was two nights a week of practice, and you know, there were the games
on Saturdays, so I was two nights and one day a week when I was out.
And she was always gracious and she always encouraged me, but what I
saw happening was that there was a growing resentment in her spirit.
Because if a man only has so much time for a recreational activity, "Why
in the would he rather be with those guys than with me?" [is what she's
thinking.] And she was right, so I put the volleyball aside, put the
baseball aside, and we started to cultivate things that we do together,
and it's wonderful. And it's the way we ought to be. We're meeting--you
know when you're meeting not only your second need but her second need,
because you're talking. You're communicating. There's conversation. And
I just want you wives to understand and appreciate that.
Right after I broke my leg I was at the hair-cutter getting my hair cut
and she asked me of course, "How'd you get your leg broken?" And I said "I
broke it riding dirt bikes." And she said, "Oh, my husband loves to do
that." "What does he ride?" And she said, "He rides those quad-runner
things." And I said, "Oh, have you ever gone with him?" She goes
"Are you kidding? Get out there in the hot and the sand and the dirt
and the stink. I'm not interested in that." And I said, "You know, you
really ought to try it, because the # 2 need of a man is a recreational
companion." And she said "# 2 need? What's his # 1 need?" And I said "Sex",
and she said "Oh that figures." But the # 2 need [of a man] is [for]
a recreation companion. I said,
"I'll bet he's asked you to go with him, hasn't he?" She goes, "Yeah,
all the time." I said "Next time he asks you to go, blow his mind and
say 'I'd love to go.'" And she said, "Okay, I will." Well I went in to
get my hair cut last week. Sat down. She said "You're not going to believe
what happened." I said
"What happened?" She said "I went quad-runner riding." I said "You did!?! "How
was it?" She says, "Oh it was awful. I flipped off, rolled and crashed
and all that kind of thing." And I said, "Well, there are no broken bones,
so you did okay." She said, "Yeah, I did okay." I said, "What did your
husband think about this?" and she said, "You would not believe this
man's response. When I said I'd like to go with him you would have thought
he'd won the lottery. This was the greatest thrill of his life!" And
I said "See, # 2 need, a recreational companion." When I'm out doing
things, and I have fun without Sonya, my first thought is "I wish Sonya
was here." And so over the years we've grown to appreciate this #2 need,
and so we do everything together. We water ski together, we scuba dive
together, next month we're sky diving together. Now she bought the tickets,
so don't blame me! But I mean those are shared experiences that produce
the fertile soil in which love grows. And as my needs for a recreational
companion are met the love just continues to grow, and so I just encourage
you about that.
His # 1 need is sexual fulfillment, # 2 is recreational playmate.
Her # 1 need is an environment of affection, her # 2 need is conversation.
# 3 is transparency. Openness and honesty gives a woman a sense of security. They
can't feel like you have any secrets from them. If they feel like you
have secrets, even if you don't, they will sense it and have an insecurity
about that relationship. I meet many men who feel like they have a need
for privacy, a need for their own space, a need for their man thing.
But I'll tell you what, that'll generally leave a wife feeling very uneasy.
And so as she feels uneasy she'll begin to ask you questions, "Where
were you? What were you doing? Who were you doing it with?" Not necessarily
being mean or anything, but she has a need to know. And then he will
often feel like she's prying into his private business. He'll often feel
like, "You don't trust me. Why are you asking me these questions? What's
the matter?" which makes her feel even more insecure. Listen, the truth
is this, as a couple, God said we're supposed to be one. And if there
is a oneness about us, we have no private business, because the 3rd greatest
need in her life is to know you--what you're doing, and what you're feeling,
and what are the things you're afraid of--all of that, transparency.
When you are transparent with her, her emotional tank is filled and love
grows. You've got to be honest with her. And if you're not,
she'll feel insecure. One of my favorite stories isn't recorded in the
Bible, but it's a great story. Adam was out three or four nights in a
row, very late. Eve was becoming a little bit anxious about where he
was. And so she began to ask him those questions, and you see as a man
begins to withdraw and say "I need my private space" then she begins
to pursue even more, which drives him even further away. And so this
contest is going on
"Where are you? Where've you been?" She gets very upset, and finally
she says
"You're running around with another woman!" which is ridiculous. And
he says
"Don't be ridiculous, you're the only woman on the planet!" And so they
continue to quarrel and finally Adam fell asleep only to be awakened
by Eve jabbing him in the side, and he woke up, "Ow! What do you think
you're doing?"
And she said, "I'm counting your ribs!" She needs transparency, guys.
She needs to feel as though there are no secrets, and there ought not
be any secrets. In fact Ephesians chapter 4, verse 15 says, "Instead
of playing games" that's my translation. Instead it says, ""Speak the
truth in love, grow up." Our relationships ought to be characterized
by truthfulness with one another. She needs truth and transparency. You've
got to tell her the truth. Even if the truth is painful, painful truth
is better than insecurity that covering truth brings. If things aren't
going well in business, tell her so. If you're struggling in some area
of your life, tell her so. When she asks you those very difficult questions,
tell her the truth. When she says, "How do you like my new hairstyle?" Tell
her the truth [laughter]. Speak the truth in love. Don't lie to her and
say "Oh it looks wonderful." Because you've just sent a double message,
and a double message says one thing with your words and another thing
with your body language--and she's perceptive, gentlemen. She will pick
up upon that, and she will feel insecure. And then she will begin to
play those mind games, "Well, if he's not telling me the truth about
this, what else is he being untruthful to me about?" And she will begin
to become more clingy, and you'll begin to withdraw even more, and both
of your emotional tanks begin to drain, and it's dumb. When all that
we really need to do is to fulfill the words of our Lord, and make sure
that we're transparent. That mistrust gives her a deep sense of insecurity.
It sends mixed signals, she has no foundation for the relationship. [i.e.
Honesty, transparency builds the foundation of the relationship--it's
foundational.] Jesus Christ put it very well. One of my favorite
verses. I've told it to you many times, where Jesus said "Let you yes
mean yes, your no mean no, and anything beyond this is evil." That's
the best policy for being transparent.
# 3 need of a man. Look at Judges 14. Judges 14, verse 1. It says, "Then
Sampson went down to Timna and saw a woman in Timna, one of the daughters
of the Philistines. So he came back to his father and his mother and
said, 'I saw a woman in Timna, one of the daughters of the Philistines,
now there, get her for me as a wife.' Then his father and mother said
to him, 'Is there no woman among all of our people, that you have to
take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?' But Sampson said to
his father, 'Get her for me, for she looks good to me.'"
She looked good to Sampson. Now ladies, you may not like
this one, but I'm gonna cut it real straight with you. The # 3 need
of a man is an attractive wife. Men are visually oriented. Sampson
made his decision on his wife solely on the superficial grounds of her
physical appearance. Is that shallow? Yes! But is it real? Absolutely.
Men are creatures of sight. A lot of times young guys now will be asking
me questions about how I picked Sonya and 'How'd you know you were in
love with her?' 'What kind of insights can you give me?' And I always
get a kick out of that, and I tell them, "I don't have a clue man, I
got lucky." Because it wasn't so much insight that caused me to pick
her, it was eyesight that caused me to pick her. And then
we worked out the details as we went along the way. But men need an attractive
wife. Now women are different from men. See a woman can look beyond a
man's physical appearance and love him for what's on the inside. Aren't
you glad guys? Because you're all ugly. But it is nearly impossible for
a man to appreciate a women for inner qualities alone. I love the story
of the farmer who took his family to town. They hadn't been to town for
years, and they went to this big department store. First time they'd
ever been to a department store. And the wife was off shopping, and the
father and son were tired of course now. And they sat down in front of
the elevator. And they saw this rather large elderly woman waddle into
the elevator. The door closed. Just moments later the doors open and
this beautiful young woman walked out. And the man looked to his boy
and said, "I gonna get Mom and run her through that thing!" Men are visually
oriented. Now, I'm not saying that every woman should look like Sharon
Stone. But every woman ought to make the most of what she has. He loved
you for whatever you were when you were first married, he will continue
to love you, just take care of it. You see, attractiveness is not what
you have, but what you do with what you have. And an attractive woman
is made, not born. Sometimes I see pictures in magazines of models on
one side of the page without their makeup and on the other side of the
page with their makeup and it is absolutely astounding. You look at these
women on the one side and think, "Holy smoke, what are they doing there?" and
then you look on the other side and say, "Well that makes sense." And
then you find out it's the same person and you go "There's no way!" I'm
not saying a woman should be eternally young. But getting older is no
excuse for letting yourself go. And getting older is no excuse for failing
to fix your hair or dressing like a bag-lady. One elderly lady here at
church said, "You know I'm just as beautiful as I ever was, it just takes
me a little longer to get that way." Leaving this morning, another lady
said, "Youth is a work of nature, middle age is a work of art."
Well, there's truth to both of those statements. But the reality is,
if you don't look good, he won't look very much. And then he'll tend
to notice other women, especially good looking ones. And then he'll tend
to make comments about them. That's horrible for the relationship, by
the way. And if he's a Christian, he'll actually feel guilty about looking.
Your marriage will begin to have a limp. Husbands will be turned off,
not very interested in sex. Generally won't be that affectionate, so
he won't meet your # 1 need. Worse yet, he may start fantasizing about
someone else when he's intimate with you, develop a mistress of the mind,
very unhealthy. Worst of all he might start looking somewhere else to
have his need met, so it really is an important one. Even as superficial
as it sounds, it's very real. Simple test to know how you're doing, ladies.
A wife's attractiveness to her husband is very easily measured by how
much he wants to touch her, squeeze her, pinch her, whatever, but he
will make it known to you that you look good to him. Another indicator
is that when a man is pleased with his wife's appearance, he will be
very enthusiastic about expressing how pleased he is with your appearance.
And on the other hand, when a man has little to say it might be because
he doesn't see much to talk about. And so that's the # 3 need of a man.
Now let's get off of that one. And guys, quit elbowing that lady sitting
next to you.
Now, fourth need of a wife--financial security. 1 Timothy chapter
5, verses 7 and 8. "Give the people these instructions too, so that no
one will be open to blame. If anyone does not provide for his relatives,
especially of his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse
than an unbeliever."
Catch that? The financial obligation of the man to provide for his family.
God knew that women have a need for financial security. They need to
be able to look out on the horizon and feel secure that it's going to
be O.K. The need for financial security and support is deep and very
serious for a woman. And the problem is that many times we ignore that
as men because you can typically function day-to-day, but she needs to
function in the future. Remember just a few weeks ago we said that's
why you carry a wallet, men, and she carries a purse. She's prepared
for every possible thing that can come her way--you're prepared for the
moment. Likewise, her fourth need is for financial security. Couples
need to learn to live within their means. Especially the younger
couples that are here with us this morning and the younger couples that
will hear this via the radio and so forth. I really believe that the
best rule of thumb for the economic success is to make sure that you
live on all of the basics of life provided for from his check, not hers.
I know that sounds kind of narrow minded and it sounds a little bit chauvinistic
and so forth, but there's a very good reason for that, because most young
couples find themselves living far beyond their means. They find themselves
strapped into a lifestyle where they need both incomes just to make ends
meet. And what this does within her, it creates an insecurity because
she thinks things like "What if he gets hurt? What if I get sick? What
if I have a child?" And it's terrible stress on the family. And so the
wonderful thing to do is to plan ahead and know guys that her 4th need
is financial security. That means you take care of the insurance issues
and get those things in line, and that you start working toward just
working off your salary. When I was first married to Sony I made a whapping
$600 a month. Boy I thought I was rich. Then Sonya got a job working
for a boat company and she made $800 a month. But when I got that first
raise and I moved up to $650 a month, Sonya cut her hours and went down
to $750. When I got the next raise and went to $700, she went down to
$700. When I went up to $750, she went down to $650, and we continued
to do that until she was working just the hours she was comfortable with,
and we made it a point to keep our standard of living such that we could
live off of my check instead of living beyond our means. The great thing
about that is when children came along four years into our marriage (now
I know not everybody has that kind of time span and so forth), but the
great thing about it was, our financial security was in place. By that
time Sonya's paycheck was going into savings or toys or something we
didn't have to have to have it to live on. And she was able to make a
choice. A choice of staying home or going back, but she had a choice.
This gives a woman security. And young couples ought to work toward having
that choice. And if his paycheck doesn't cover the basic expenses, you
have four options. One option is he can work longer hours or get a second
job, but that's not good for your marriage. The second option is you
can use credit cards to sustain a phony standard of living until you're
so deeply in debt that you don't know what you're gonna do. That's not
a good solution. She can be forced to work, but that's not a good solution
because those who study relationships say that most married women tell
counselors that they resent working. If they're working, it's only going
to absolute necessities. Now I realize when you're first married, sometimes
you have to do that. And one of the ingredients that's important to understand
is that you may have to do this for a time, but if she feels like "I'm
gonna be trapped here forever", she is not going to feel financially
secure. Maybe the two of you work very hard for a short time and work
toward some common goal, but don't do that to the extent that it damages
your relationship. And there is a 4th option, and that is
a family can lower it's standard of living. That's the best option, live
within your means. Living within your means grants financial security,
which is her fourth need, which fills her emotional tank. Your marriage
begins to thrive, even without the toys. So the # 1 need of a woman,
affection, # 2 conversation, # 3 transparency, # 4 financial security.
The # 1 need of a man is sexual fulfillment, # 2 recreational playmate,
# 3 an attractive wife, # 4 is found in proverbs chapter 31, verse 10. It
says, "The wife of a noble character who can find? She's worth more than
rubies." O.K. here's the gal who's worth more than rubies to a guy, verse
11, "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." Verse
13, "She selects wool and flax and works eagerly with her hands. She's
like the merchant ships bringing food from afar." "She gets up" verse
15 says "when it's still dark and provides food for her family and portions
for the servant girls." Verse 19, "In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers." Verse 21 says "when it snows
she has no fear for her household, for all of them are clothed in scarlet." You
now what that's about?--domestic support. That's the #4 need of a man--help
on the homefront. You see, most men feel overworked. I'm not saying
how they are, that's how they feel. Most guys feel like they've done
everything to make the standard of living where it is. Most guys feel,
they have this unspoken expectation, since they have worked
so hard, that she ought to simplify their lives by cooking the meals,
washing the clothes, and keeping the house picked up. I'm not saying
it's right, but I'm saying it's real. I really think that guys ought
to be helping out at home. The guys ought to be helping out with the
chores and all that. I do all that kind of stuff around the house, I
think it's healthy. But basically man feels like he needs domestic support.
He needs order in his home. It's very important to him. I'm not sure
why, but it's very real. And despite all the women's lib stuff and the
idea of being Mr. Mom and the household chores and all that kind of thing,
it still isn't very popular with most men. Most men are looking for a
woman to help manage the household stuff. But guys, you oughta help.
There was a great survey done recently. U.S.A. Today conducted a survey
asking women if they would prefer their men to help with the household
chores or to watch their man dance naked. Surprise, surprise--way into
the 70 percents, the women said "clean the house, for heavens sake!" When
asked if you could marry a man who is very attractive who would help
with no household chores, or marry someone who is very unattractive who
would help with the household chores, who would you pick? Sixty some
percent said that "I'd take the ugly guy who helps with the dishes" So
guys, you oughta be helping, but on the other hand ladies, it's his #
4 need. So let's go to # 5 and we'll wrap this up.
#5 need of a woman. She needs her man to be a good father. Ephesians
chapter 6, verse 4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead
bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
The responsibility of the wellbeing of the family and the children rests
upon Dad. You are the trend-setter, the pace setter and that is what
you ought to be fulfilling in your relationship. And it's not surprising
then that women have this as their 5th need. She has a profound
need for you to love her kids. If you are in a blended family and you
have stepchildren, men, love those children. She needs it. You fill her
emotional tank when you love those children. You fill her emotional tank
when you are patient with those children. Women seem to know instinctively
what psychologists are finally discovering that a man's role in the family
is absolutely essential. And when a father avoids that role his wife
loses her admiration for him, her tank begins to drain, the marriage
begins to suffer.
The 5th need of a man--admiration. Ephesians 5:33 says
the wife must respect her husband. Ladies, every man wants his wife to
be proud of him. Every man needs and expects his wife to be his biggest
fan. The whole world can be coming apart around him, and if you're standing
in his corner, he will make it. Honest admiration of him is a great motivation.
Criticism, on the other hand, will make him defensive. And yet when you
admire him, when you tell him that you think he's wonderful--and you
appreciate the hard work he has done, whatever it is--he will generally
try to live up to your expectations and he will die trying to be for
you what he ought to be anyway--because admiration inspires him.
And so we all have an emotional tank. Love is fueled by the contents
of that emotional tank. It is filled for women by affection, conversation,
transparency, financial support, and being a good father. It's filled
for men by a fulfilling sex life, a recreational friend, an attractive
wife, a domestic support and admiration.
It's wonderful the way God made us isn't it? And now our job is to fulfill
the mandates of the Scriptures, and to apply to our relationships what
we have learned, so that the emotional tanks are full, so love can grow
and last for a lifetime."
Prayer
"We bow before you this morning Father and we confess that
there are times that we don't fill one another's tanks very well. For
that we ask you to forgive us. And Father I pray that you would move
in the hearts of the men and women here this morning and if there are
areas that we have neglected and failed to meet the needs of our partner,
may we begin today. Give us the courage to ask them to forgive us, and
help us to start to do better. And while your heads are bowed and your
eyes are closed, and we close our time this morning, I don't want you
to forget the first mutual need that we have as people. And that is the
need for spiritual fulfillment. You'll never really be able to fulfill
those basic needs that fill the emotional tank until you've met the spiritual
needs of one another. You really do need a shared faith. You really do
need to pray together. You really do need to grow spiritually together.
And that begins when you establish a relationship with the Creator of
the Universe. God loves you. God wants to have a relationship with you.
God wants to forgive you. The great news is that God wants to come into
your life and help you to become the person you'll never be by yourself.
And so that's why we always close our service coming back to the basic
issues of life, spiritual life. If you're ready today to experience God's
forgiveness, to have him come into your life and help you become the
person you ought to be, to give you eternal life, then right now where
you sit you can pray a simple prayer that starts you on the greatest
journey of eternity. The prayer goes something like this. Just quietly
between you and your Lord you can pray something like: "Lord, thank you
for loving me. Forgive me for all I've ever done that's wrong. Help me
to become the person that you created me to be. Help me to begin to meet
the needs of that special person in my life. And thank you, in Jesus
name, thanks. Amen."
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