His Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs
What does the condition of your marital relationship have to do with prayer?
1 Peter 3:7, "Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."
"His Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs"
[This is the fourth transcript of an eight cassette tape series
titled "Love For A Lifetime", given by Pastor David T. Moore of Palm Desert
Calvary Chapel, Palm Desert, CA. "This awesome cassette series on how
to make a marriage really work, maintaining love for a lifetime, is available
online at: http://www.mooreonlife.com
, cost, $38.95--and worth every penny of it!] "Falling in love
is such a funny thing, it's really difficult to describe. You may remember or
you may have been asked at one time or another somewhere in a conversation
where someone finally asked that very difficult question, "How do you know when
you're in love?" "How do you know when this is the right person?" And
the number one answer is: "You just know." That's the most ridiculous answer in
the world, isn't it?--"You just know." I remember asking Mom and Dad, "How do
you know this is the right person to spend your life with?" "You just know."
Now others have asked me, "How do you know this is the person...?" "You just
know." It's a real difficult thing to describe what falling in love is all
about. How many of you believe in love at first sight? Let's find out. Raise
your hands if you believe that. This is not a trick question. It's O.K. Do you
know that 40 percent of Americans believe in love at first sight as an absolute
issue. And another twenty eight percent believe that it probably happens. That
means that 68 percent or 7 out of 10 Americans really do believe in love at
first sight.
Now while some believe in love at first sight, I believe in
taking a second look. How about you? And a second look is certainly worthwhile.
You know there's nothing really remarkable about love at first sight. It's
people who can look at each other year after year after year and still love
each other, now that's remarkable. Love at first sight can't possibly be
anything other than puppy-love, and everybody knows that puppy-love leads to
what?--a dog's life. Everybody knows that. And others talk about love being
blind. And that may be true, but many times that blind love enters into
marriage, and marriage is the great eye-opener. Somebody said to me last week
as we left, they said, "You know, marriage is an institution, and love is
blind, so marriage must be an institution for the blind." Maybe some truth to
that too.
Do you see, the issue is that nobody marries to be miserable.
Everybody starts out with stars in their eyes and hopes and dreams this is
going to be perfect. But sooner or later the hopes begin to wobble and the
dreams begin to die. And we begin to wonder if we were really ever in love in
the first place or not. That's what this series has been all about, "Love For A
Lifetime." Love does not have to grow shallow and thin and die. It doesn't have
to do that. Norm Crosby has a great definition of love. Norm said this,
"Teenagers don't know what love is. They have mixed up ideas. They go for a
drive, boy runs out of gas, they smooch a little, and the girl says she loves
him. That isn't love. Love is when you've been married twenty-five years,
you're smooching in your living room, he runs out of gas, and she still loves
him anyway. That's love!" You know there was a recent Time magazine article
that talked about love and the basic thesis of this article was that "Love was
a chemical reaction." This article described the fact that 'love is cooked up
in the chemical laboratory of your brain.' And that 'love is literally
something that you fall into and fall out of as a chemical reaction to the
hormones flowing through your body. "And at best" this article said, "it lasts
only two years." Well I don't know if that's true or not, it's funny how
scientists try to put things like love in a laboratory. That doesn't always
work too well. But I do believe that a successful marriage requires "falling in
love with the same person over and over and over again." The question is, "Is
that possible?" And if so, how can it be done? Well that's the focus of this
session and our next session together. We've said so far, basically, if I can
sum up four weeks in three sentences, we've said, "If love is to last a
lifetime, it must be other-centered. If you're going into a relationship
self-centered--meet my needs, take care of me--love will die, I can promise you
that. We saw also from Ephesians 5, love must be mutually
submissive--two people coming to one another, to meet one another's needs,
mutually submissive to each other. Leaving last week another person said,
"You know, the husband is the head of the home." And I said, "Well, that's what
the Bible says. And then the wife said, "And yeah, the wife is the neck and the
husband's going nowhere without the neck." (And there's probably good balance
there.) Mutually submissive, and then the third, that we must respect one
another. In 1 Peter 3:7 it says, "Husbands in the same way be
considerate with your wife as you live with her, and treat her with respect."
In Ephesians 5:33 is says, "Wives must respect their husbands." And this
concept of mutual respect is absolutely essential if love is to continue to
grow. But what of the things that we're to respect? Well that's what we talk
about this week and next--the things that we absolutely must
respect.
The first thing that we really must respect is, we both should
respect our mutual needs. There are your needs, there are my needs, there are
our needs. And this must be respected. And so the first place to start
in terms of respecting one another is to respect our mutual needs. Now the
first mutual need that we have--is we need spiritual fulfillment. That
is a necessary element and ingredient of your life. I'll tell you why. We are
three-dimensional beings. You're made up of a body, soul and spirit. You see we
are spiritual beings living in physical bodies, and God intended us to become
one together. That's what the book of Genesis says, that's what Jesus Christ
said, "Man shall leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife, and they
shall become one." That's his intention. We've said that we are relational
beings and that relationships are really the only things that fulfill us. And
so God intended us to enter into one relationship where we would experience a
oneness. And true oneness requires the bonding of all three aspects of your
being. It requires the bonding of your bodies, the bonding of your souls, and
the bonding of your spirits. You see the bonding of your body occurs in
marriage through physical touching and sex. The bonding of your souls occurs
through emotional and relational experiences and interaction. And the
bonding of your spirits comes only through a shared faith in spiritual
experiences. And the unfortunate thing is that many people chose to
have a relationship that is only one-dimensional or two-dimensional, when God
created you to have a three- dimensional relationship, where you are connecting
in a oneness--body, soul and spirit. [i.e. 1. physical/sexual bonding. 2.
spirit-in-man emotional/relational bonding. 3. Spirit-plane bonding brought on
by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. This level is only achieved by born-again
Christians. That is why the Bible cautions against a believer marrying an
unbeliever.] And your relationship will never be complete until there is a
oneness in all three areas. And the most neglected area is that spiritual
dimension. And if you have a one or two-dimensional relationship, without
including that spiritual relationship--that spiritual bonding--your
relationship will always have a limp. That's why the Bible is so clear about
husbands and wives sharing the same faith. Take a look at 2 Corinthians chapter
six, verse 14 & 15. It says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers."
Context is marriage, "for what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?
What fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between
Christ and Belial?" What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? You
see, if one is spiritually dead there can never be a bonding there. That means
at best, you can only have a two-dimensional relationship. That means that
Christian young people ought not to be dating non-Christian young people,
because you can only have a two-dimensional relationship. And it really does
mean too that Christians should not marry a non-Christian, because the best you
can ever have is a two-dimensional relationship. And God created you for
oneness in the totality of your being. Now some of you today are married to an
unbeliever. Well does that mean you should dump them and go find a Christian?
No! Does that mean you should dump 'em and go find a Christian? NO! One more
time--should you dump 'em and go find a Christian? NO!! And look at 1
Corinthians 7, verse 12 and I'll show you why. It says, "If any brother has a
wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not
divorce her." A spiritual incompatibility is never a justification for divorce,
never. "And if the woman has a husband who is not a believer and he's willing
to live with her, she must not divorce him." Verse 15, "But if the unbeliever
leaves, let him [or her] do so, the believing man or woman is not bound under
such circumstances, God has called us to peace." He's saying "Don't kill
yourself if the unbeliever says, 'I'm through, I want nothing to do with you
because of your faith' and they walk away. Verse 16, "How do you know, wife,
whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know husband, whether you
will save your wife? Nevertheless, each of us should retain the place in life
the Lord's assigned to him, to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay
down for the churches." So the point is simply this, yes we do need a spiritual
compatibility and there should be a bonding of our spirits, but more
importantly, God wants us to stay in the relationship in which we find
ourselves, even if it is with an unbeliever, because you may be the bridge
He builds to the spirit of that person, and which ultimately grants that person
spiritual life. A couple of years ago a lady came into my office, and she
described her non-believing husband and decided that she was going to leave
him. He was an unbeliever and pretty insensitive, and she was looking for my
stamp of approval, I think. And I just said, "You know, you'll never get God's
stamp of approval in this kind of thing because He's called you to stay with
him. Now I understand if you're involved with a man who is physically abusive
and your life is threatened, then you need to get out of that situation. We're
talking here about just the difficulty of getting along with somebody who does
not have that three-dimensional relationship. And I just shared with her. I
said, "You know, his eternal state is riding upon you. You're probably the only
bridge to spiritual life for this man. And if there is any way possible for you
to stay with him, that's God's desire." And it was about a year or so later
that he did come to a personal faith in Christ. And just recently she reminded
me of the conversation and she said, "Isn't it wonderful that we managed to
connect and I was able to stay, and now he's a believer, and our marriage is
really growing. See, they're experiencing now a three-dimensional relationship.
And see that's God's desire for you. It says in 1 Peter 3:1, it says, "Wives in
the same way be submissive to your husbands, and if any of them do not believe
the Word..." which means they are not Christians "...that they may be won over
without words by the behavior of their wives." So this is an important
thing.
Now if you're both believers, the point is, keep an eye on the
spiritual. Why in the world would two believers be content with a
two-dimensional relationship? That really doesn't make any sense. God wants you
to have a bonding in your body, your soul and your spirit. Look at Joshua 1:8.
It says, "Do not let the book of the Law depart from your mouth. Meditate on it
day and night, so that when you have done everything written in it, then you
will be prosperous and successful." You see, in your marriage relationship its
says that--the book of the Law, the words of the Lord--should never depart from
your mouth. That means as a couple you ought to talk about spiritual things
every once in a while. And it says that you should meditate on them day and
night. It means you ought to be thinking about spiritual things every once in a
while--investing in the things that are eternal, you see. "And be careful to
do" means that you ought to be applying spiritual truth to your life and to
your relationship. And when you're doing those three things there is a bonding
of oneness in that spiritual part of your relationship which adds a
three-dimensional aspect to your relationship and then it says that you will
be--what?--"prosperous and successful." You can honestly say that the level of
your prosperity and success in your relationship is riding upon your
understanding of the need for a spiritual bonding. "Dave, how do you do that?"
It's really simple. Read some verses together. Attend church together. Have a
ministry together. Listen to some tapes together. You ought to pray every
single day [together]. The great thing about praying as a couple is that you
can say things when you're praying that are difficult to say in person. You
understand? I mean, in our younger years of marriage I had a difficult time
coming to Sonya and saying "You know, I was a real jerk. Forgive me", you know.
Now it shouldn't be hard, but it is. You know I don't know why it is for a guy,
but you know, we're mostly brain-dead. It's difficult for a guy. But I found
that when we prayed together at the end of every single day--the last thing
that we would do, would be to take one-another's hand and we'd begin to pray--I
found it very easy when praying to say, "and Lord I was really a creep today,
forgive me. I'm sorry for the things that I said and the insensitivity, just
forgive me." Well, two things are happening. One is I'm getting my act together
with God. The other thing that's happening, she's listening, and it's a whole
lot easier to say it in prayer than to say it face to face. And you know what
else? She can't interrupt. She can't go "Yeah, you were a real creep, you
insensitive good for nothing--." See she can't interrupt. And so this is a
great thing, it adds a dimension to your life that you must have. And
so we have mutual needs, and one of them is that we have a need for a spiritual
fulfillment.
We have a second need that we share in common. And that
is that we have a need for emotional fulfillment. Look at 1 Corinthians 7,
verses 3 & 4. (I think they're in the middle of a paragraph that's printed
for you. Because we'll look at the rest of the verses later.) Verse 3 says
this, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the
wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to
her husband. And in the same way the husband's body does not belong to him
alone but also to his wife." Those verses there are talking about meeting one
another's needs. About putting the other person's list of needs as more
important than your own. It's inverting that natural tendency for me to meet my
needs, you see, but it's meeting that person's needs so that they can be
emotionally fulfilled. Here's what I mean by this. Everyone has an emotional
tank. I have one, you have one, your children have one. One of the keys to
keeping your children growing healthy, normal and responsive is to continually
be filling their emotional tank. And one of the secrets to staying in love is
keeping that emotional tank full. And that tank can only be filled by someone
else. I can't fill my own emotional tank. It can also be drained by someone
else. But we all have this emotional tank. And love burns on the emotional fuel
stored within our tanks. Getting the picture? Love burns brightly when our
emotional tanks are full, no one can run on empty. All of our marital problems
reflect an empty emotional tank. And most of our marital misunderstandings are
due to a failure of understanding how we fill our mate's emotional tank. When
our tanks are empty emotionally, we instinctively seek someone who will fill
it. It always happens. That's why when the love begins to flicker in the
relationship, when two people begin to grow apart, in different lives,
they begin to seek out people to talk to, and people to interact with, so
their emotional tank can be filled. And I'll tell you this, every
single affair is ultimately the result of an empty emotional tank. That ought
to be a great motivation for us to understand. We must keep our mate's
emotional tank full, and realize that when their emotional tank is emptying,
that they are going to be seeking somewhere to have that tank filled. Now we're
not talking about a mad passion for sex here, we're talking about a basic
emotional need. Now unfortunately, men and women have their emotional tanks
filled in different ways. Doesn't that figure? I mean, we're different in every
other way, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us. But it would be really nice if
on this one we both had our emotional tanks filled the same way, but we don't.
We fill another's emotional tanks by meeting their basic needs. And the basic
needs of a man and the basic needs of a woman are very, very different. But
each of us are responsible to set out to meet the needs of that other person,
to fill their tank. And when we fill their emotional tank we add stability and
love to our relationships. And every time we are insensitive to their basic
needs, we drain their emotional tank. So you can make deposits in the soul of
that other person, which fills their tank and keeps love burning. But how in
the world do you do that? That's the focus of the rest of this session and our
next. We're going to look at the five basic needs of a man, and the five basic
needs of a woman. And this morning we're only going to look at one of them. Now
just about every marriage book out there that's ever been written has a list of
the basic needs of a man, the basic needs of a woman--but I'll tell you, I read
dozens of books and the best list I've ever seen is from a guy named Willard
Harley in the book "His Needs, Her Needs." And if you're looking for something
to read this week that will help you on some of the ideas we're going to talk
about, that's a great book--"His Needs, Her Needs". [You might try clicking on
http://www.amazon.com and seeing
if they have it.] But let's talk about the number one need that he identifies
for women.
The number one need that men need to respect,
because God called us to respect one another, and God called us to meet one
another's needs and all of that--so here it is: He must respect her need for
affection. [Websters: Affection: tender attachment.] write that one
down. Guys, I know your hand is going to be quivering as you write, but just
write it down--respect her need for affection. Now, it is the cement of
a relationship for a woman. Affection is the cement of a relationship for a
woman. And men need to understand how strongly women need affirmation that
comes from affection. For the typical wife there can never be enough of it in
the affection arena. Now affection comes far more natural for a woman than it
does for a man, you guys all know that, I realize. They just instinctively are
more affectionate than men. Guys, you need to do that! I mean, you need to
be thinking about building an environment where affection is part of life.
You guys often wonder why there is less passion after the marriage than
before the marriage. The answer is really simple guys, men are generally more
affectionate before the marriage when they're dating. And after the wedding he
tends to think "Romantic stuff is impractical, unnecessary and expensive." [But
divorce can be more expensive!] The truth is, it's essential. The man who says,
"I'm just not the affectionate type" while reaching for his wife's body to
gratify his own sexual desires is like the salesman who tries to close a deal
by saying "Look, I'm not the friendly type, sign here you creep, I've got
another appointment waiting." It is the cement of a relationship for a woman.
It is not sex or foreplay--write that one down guys. Affection has nothing to
do with it. You see, there's a third thing for you to jot down about this,
it is an environment of affirmation, appreciation--that's what this
affection thing is. It's an environment you create. Most guys tend to think
of it in terms of an event. "Hey, I sent you flowers three weeks ago, come on,
what do you want this week?" It's not an event, it's an environment that you
create, and guys, God has called us to respect the woman's need for us to
create an environment of affection for her. And so, how do you affirm her
and how do you appreciate her and how do you cultivate an environment [of
affection]? Well, one thing you ought to do is ask her. Just ask her, "What are
the things that I can do that are communicating to you that I'm thinking of
you, that you mean the world to me, that I really do love you--what are those
things?" And make a list and take good notes, guys. And write it into your
day-timer and put it into your computer or whatever it is that can constantly
spark and remind you that you need to be cultivating an environment of
affection. It can be nearly anything that says, "I'm thinking of you, you mean
the world to me." Write her notes, send her flowers, hold her hand, invite her
to dinner, call her for no reason, ask her to take a walk--with you. Give her a
back-rub, give her a foot massage, bring home token little gifts. Guys, go
shopping with her. I know that's the hardest thing in the world for a guy,
isn't it gentlemen? I mean, ladies, if he goes shopping with you, this is the
ultimate expression of love. He would rather be taken into the back alley and
beaten up than go shopping with you. Because, you remember the differences in
your brain. He goes to shop to buy something. You go to shop. And so he finds
himself wandering through different stores, through different departments, and
all over the place, and he's in emotional pain. But guys, if you really want to
score points, go shopping with her. In fact, if you really want to score big
points, invite her, "Would you like to go shopping?" Am I right, ladies? Raise
your hand if I'm right about this ladies. See guys? It's an environment. There
are two things in the environment that are very important. Hug her. You
see, when a man hugs a wife it sends a powerful message. Women love to hug. Do
you know women in every culture--in every culture of the world, love to hug and
be hugged? They hug each other, they hug their children, they hug their
animals, they hug stuffed animals, they hug their pillows, they're
hugging--hugging--hugging--hugging. Now the guy who says, "I'm not the hugging
type" had better get a grip on reality. You cultivate an environment of
affection when you are regularly hugging your wife. In fact, women need eight
to twelve significant hugs a day to stay healthy. You fill her tank when you
hug her. And guys, you ought to be hugging her, because hugs say "I care
for you", it says "You're important to me", it says, "I'll protect you", it
says "I'm proud of you" and it says " I want to be close to you"--all those
things are conveyed in one simple little hug. [Remember from a previous
session, pastor Moore said that 55 percent of our significant communication is
through non-verbal body language? Hugging is powerful affirmative body
language.] So hug her. And kiss her.
Kissing is very important to a
woman. You know German researchers recently studied the effects of a morning
kiss on people. It's really an interesting study. They found the secret to a
long and successful life was a morning kiss. A team of psychologists and
physicians and insurance companies teamed up to do this research project, and
they found the key to a longer, happier, healthier and wealthier life for a man
is found in one single act, kissing in the morning. So not only is it important
to her, guys, it's important to you. These German researchers found that men
who kiss their wives every morning have fewer automobile accidents on the way
to work. They found that good morning kissers missed less work because
of sickness than non-kissers. You know why? Kissing is good for you physically.
Because when you kiss you exchange benign bacteria in the siliva which helps
boost and build your immune system. It's good for you! And don't tell my
teenage daughters that, but it is good for you. Do you know that, according to
their study, men who kiss every single morning earn twenty to thirty percent
more money. How can that be? Well, one doctor said it's because a husband who
kisses his wife every morning begins his day with a positive attitude. Now I
don't know if that's true or not, but they also found that every morning kisser
lives, on an average, five years longer than men who were stingy with their
kisses. Guys, kiss her. Everybody wins when you kiss her. Respect her need
for affection. It's the cement of the relationship, it isn't foreplay or sex.
It's an environment of affirmation and appreciation. That's her # 1
need.
And ladies, his # 1 need, this will be no surprise to any lady
here--respect his need for sexual fulfillment. Whereas a woman's # 1 need to
fulfill her emotional tank is an environment of appreciation, the # 1 need for
filling that man's emotional tank is the sexual union with his wife. Men need a
frequent sex life. Look at 1 Corinthians 7, verse 2. It says, "But since there
is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own
husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise
the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also
to her husband. The same way a husband's body does not belong to him alone, but
also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time
so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that
Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of control." Now right here from
the words of Scripture is the affirmation and the encouragement of a sexual
union that is frequently engaged in by a husband and wife. It says here that
sexual fulfillment at home helps prevent a wandering spouse. It's absolutely
true. Now I don't think it's a guarantee, but you see when his emotional tank
is full, he doesn't go elsewhere to have it filled. It also says that a sexual
union is very very important. It's important for fulfillment. You see, some
have said that sex is only for procreation. That's not what these verses are
saying. So who are you going to believe, the Bible or somebody else? It also
says that it should never be interrupted. It should never be withheld as
punishment or offered as a reward. This sexual union is so important that
nothing should interrupt it except--what does it say here?--a season of prayer,
literally. It says, "a short time of prayer." You know, like "Thanks God for
the great day, Amen." I mean that's the idea here. Our primary obligation is to
please our partner, not to please ourselves.
That [also] means that a
guy should never force her into any activity that she is not interested
in or comfortable with. He should never force himself upon her. And that she
should never withhold from--you see that, ladies, is his need. Just as you need
affection he needs a frequent sexual response from you. He needs it. You can
see the power of this need demonstrated in our society by the insane behavior
of grown up adult rational men. I mean, think about the men you know who have
given up successful careers for a fling with a woman. And whenever I see that
happen, I always think, "How stupid this is." Bank presidents who give up their
presidency and pastors who give up successful ministries and flourishing
churches to pursue a woman. But what it says to us is that this drive for
sex literally unravels the rational thinking of a male if that need is not
met. Women, it is that important. I know his frequency for desire is
much higher than a woman's. I'll never forget the day that, after I had
performed a wedding on one week, a couple of weeks later I was standing at the
door in another church, and as the people were leaving and the kids were
leaving. And this couple I married two weeks earlier walked out and they were
just back from their honeymoon and I shook hands and said, "Hey, how are you
doing? Did you have a great time?" And they both looked at me with this look
that said, "Wrong question." And I said, "Oh, well, it only gets better, you
know. Keep on keepin' on." And this gal started to cry and she leaned forward
and she said, "Dave, I married an animal." Now I tried not to laugh. And I
explained to her that for her, quality is important, for him quantity is
important. I also explained that his pawing at her wasn't because he turned
into some lusting monster. That his sexual advances were due to a powerful need
in his life. And that while she is a whole lot like an iron, it takes her
awhile to warm up, he is a whole lot more like a light bulb--boom--he's ready.
That seemed to help a little bit. Men need a frequent sex life, and men need a
fulfilling sex life. Solomon acknowledged this in the words to his son. Proverb
chapter 5. There not printed for you, but let me read them to you. This is that
father-son talk, you know, where Dad's going to explain the birds and bees to
his kid. Do you remember that talk in your life? I do. I was in the seventh
grade. My Dad went through all this stuff, every technical term in the book. I
had no clue what he was talking about. And when he was finished I went,
"Ah-huh, got it Dad, thanks." You know how that is. It says, "Son, drink water
from your own cistern." You can bet that boy said "Huh?" You know, 'running
water from your own well' it says. Right Dad. "Should your streams overflow in
the streets--your streams of water in public squares?" Excuse me? "Let them be
yours alone, never to be shared with a stranger." Now you can bet this kid has
no clue what Dad's talking about. Then it says, "May your fountain be blessed."
O.K. "And rejoice in the wife of your youth." Oh, now we're starting to make
some sense. And you can tell that Solomon finally says, "O.K., let me cut it
straight." Verse 19, "As a loving doe and a graceful deer, let her breasts
satisfy you at all times, may you ever be captivated by her love." There are
four words there that describe what this sexual relationship means. It means
that it will be blessed. The word is happy, that you're to rejoice in
it. The word means to brighten up. It says, "...may her breasts satisfy
you." The word means to be intoxicated. And "that you always be
captivated by her love", which means consistently and perpetually as prisoner
of her love. You see, that's the fulfillment that the sex life brings for a man
into that relationship. And of course it can for the woman too. But primarily
this is a man's # 1 need. Our son came home after sex education at school--now
we've been through all that with him. We've shown him the pictures and done the
whole thing, because we didn't want him to hear it, you know, at school--and
when he came home after his sex ed class, you know I said, "Hey, how was it
Tyson? You learn anything new?" "Nope, you guys taught me everything I need to
know." "Well, good!" "Except for one thing. You never told me you do this for
fun!" He goes, "That's sick!" Well you understand where he's coming from. I
mean, a boy's first dilemma is when he likes girls more than frogs and dogs and
doesn't know why. That's his first dilemma. But the point is that, ladies,
he needs enthusiastic participation. It's good for you to be the aggressor
once in a while. He gets tired of chasing you. Chase him. It does wonders for
him when you chase him. Play the seductress with him. It's a great thing to add
dimension and life to that relationship. You can do that. An 80 year old guy
went in for a checkup, and after the checkup the doctor said, "You know you're
in great shape. You, you don't have anything wrong with you. You might live
forever. How old was your father when he died?" The 80 year old just said, "Did
I say he was dead?" "You mean to tell me your father's still alive? How old was
your grandfather when he died?" "Did I say he was dead?" And the astonished
doctor said, "You mean to tell me you're 80 years old and your father and
grandfather are still alive?" The guy said, "Yes, and my grandfather is 126
years old and he's getting married for the first time next week." The doctor
scratched his head and said, "Why in the world would he want to get married
after 126 years of being a bachelor?" The man said, "Did I say he wanted to get
married?" Women need an environment where they are emotionally fulfilled by
affection. Men need an environment where they are emotionally fulfilled by that
sexual union. When the two of you come together understanding the difference in
those needs, that's when the marriage begins to click. I don't know if you
ever saw the film "Milk Money." Interesting little film. Not exactly moral [but
very tame by today's standards--PG-13]. But three 12 year old little boys
decided to use their milk money to hire Melanie Griffith, a professional in the
sex arena, to answer sex related questions. Their number one question was this,
"Is there a place on a girl where you can touch her and drive her crazy?" She
told them, "No." And they were very disappointed. But as the film continued,
she reformed her ways, cultivated a friendship with the three boys as well as
the father of one of them. It's gonna be one of those happily ever after
stories. And at the very closing scene Melanie Griffith looks at these little
guys and she says, "Hey boys, there really is a place you can touch a woman and
drive her crazy." And of course their ears perked up and they lit up and they
leaned forward and they're ready for the answer, and she said, "It's right
here", pointing to her heart. That is really good advice. Guys, you touch her
heart, you fill her tank--and feelings of affection and romance are the key to
a woman's arousal. And affection is the environment of marriage and sex then
the special event. And when both of us understand that, we take a gigantic step
towards having a love for a lifetime.
End
Prayer: "Oh Lord we bow before you this morning, and we have to say thank you for the wonderful way that you have created us. It really is amazing how you put us together. Father, I pray that you will help us as men and women to understand the different needs that we have and that we would respect those needs, and fulfill them. Give us the ability and desire to fill one another's emotional tanks. And Lord I also pray that you'll help us to understand our need for a three-dimensional relationship. We as men typically ignore the spiritual dimension, even when we focus on the other two. And God I pray that you would move in our hearts to help us to see how very important it is. And guys, with your heads down, and ladies, as we close in prayer, maybe today you need to confess before your Lord that you haven't been filling your mate's emotional tank. Maybe you need to ask him to forgive you. Maybe there hasn't been a spiritual dynamic, guys. And if there hasn't, you need to add that. You need to be the aggressor of cultivating a spiritual dimension to your life, because she really can't. Not that she's incapable, but you'll perceive it as nagging if she does, so she doesn't. You initiate it. Would be a great thing to talk about [with her] this afternoon, or tonight. Commit yourselves, guys, to pray at the end of every single day with her. It may feel a little awkward at first, may not even know what to say. That's alright. Prayer is just talking to God, telling him exactly what you think, exactly what you feel. If it's a five-second prayer, that's alright. It's a great start. And most importantly, if you're here with us today and never entered into a personal relationship with Christ, the best you can ever have is a two-dimensional relationship with someone else. God's presence in your life adds that third dimension. He brings real oneness and fulfillment. And so if you've never invited him into your life, that's the first place to start, and every Sunday morning we give people an opportunity to do this. If you need to come alive spiritually, right now where you sit, you can ask him to come into your life. Ask him to forgive you. He will. He'll give you a sensitivity that you've never had before. And if that's what you need today, why don't you pray a simple prayer like this, "Lord, thank you for loving me. Forgive me for all I've ever done that's wrong. Help me to become the person you've created me to be. Help me to fill the tanks of others. And thank you, in Jesus name, Amen.""
Your Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs (Part II)
What does the condition of your marriage relationship have to do with prayer?
1 Peter 3:7, "Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."
"Your Needs, My Needs, Our Needs"
[This sermon is from tape 5 of an 8 cassette series titled
"Love For A Lifetime", given by pastor David T. Moore of the Southwest
Community Church in Palm Desert California. (P.O. Box 14444, Palm Desert, CA
92255-4444.) This transcription is a continuation of "His Needs, Her Needs, Our
Needs."This awesome cassette series on how to make a marriage
really work, maintaining love for a lifetime, is available online at:
http://www.mooreonlife.com ,
cost, $38.95--and worth every penny of it!]
"Somebody
gave me a book this week, a little booklet called "He Says, She Says." It was
various definitions of words from a male perspective and from a female
perspective. And it was really fun reading, and I would like to share some of
it with you, but then I got to thinking "Now just me reading them isn't nearly
as effective as if I had a gal read the gal's parts and me read the guy's
parts." And many of you have asked "Is there really a Sonya? Does she exist?"
And, ah, she really does exist, and so I said, "Sony, would you mind working
through these definitions with me this morning? And that way people would see
that you really are a human being, and, ah, we could have some fun with this."
And she said she'd be happy to. Well almost she said that. So I want to
introduce my wife of twenty years, Sonya. She, she really does exist. We met in
a tropical fish store, twenty two years ago. And, ah, she came to visit a
friend there, and I worked there. And her friend said, "Why don't you put your
hand in this fish tank and feel the sea anemone, because it'll sting you and
it's kind of a fun thing." And so she stuck her hand in the tank, and her
friend walked out of the room, I walked in. My very first words to her were
"Get your hand out of that tank!" And, ah, we were friends, and dated for about
nine months, and engaged for nine months, and at the age of 21 we were married.
And it's been twenty years now that we celebrated last summer. And I love her!
And so, thank you for going through this with me. These are the definitions of
different words, and they're typically male and typically female, and certainly
don't represent our values at all, but at least it will point out the
differences in men and women. The first word is "atmosphere" [Sonya] "O.K.,
atmosphere, a place with romantic surroundings, tables for two, candlelight and
a strolling violinist." [Dave] "Atmosphere, any place with free pretzels,
big screen T.V. and Monday night football." "Conversational topics.
Interesting people, world affairs and social problems." "Conversational
topics--sports and politics." "Daydreaming--imagining you and your man on a
beach walking along the beach, and dancing under the stars."
"Daydreaming--something you do while your partner has a serious
conversation with you." "Delegation--asking others to do things for the
benefit of your family." Delegation--asking your wife to help you find your
glasses, car keys, and the remote control." "Directions--the first thing you
ask for to make sure you find your way." Directions--the last
thing you ever ask for, unless you're driving into a swamp."
"Dressing up--Spending hours on your hair, putting on a dynamic outfit, and
making sure your makeup's perfect." Dressing up--changing a T-shirt."
[Sonya] I thought it was socks! "Must-see documentaries--Making of the
President." Must-see documentaries--Making of a centerfold. (It's not me,
this is the average man, you know). Etiquette in automobiles--thanking him
for opening the door first." Etiquette in automobiles--Remembering to roll
down the window before you spit." (Don't tell Tyson these.") Parenting
advice to teens--Telling them you care and then guiding them with love and
wisdom." Parenting advice to teens--Ask your Mom." Flattering
hairdo's--Getting just the right cut and color to suit you." Flattering
hairdo--Getting one hair long enough to encircle your bald spot like linguini."
"Kissing--an expression of enjoyment and attraction." Kissing--first
base. [Sonya] Don't tell Tyson this one either! "Listening--focussing on
every word he says." Listening--paying attention until you think of
something more important to say." Manners--formal and informal rules of
thoughtful behaviors designed to make others in your presence feel appreciated
and comfortable." Manners--Wiping your mouth after you take a swipe from
the milk carton." Sharing responsibility--both parents contributing to the
relationship by sharing household chores." Sharing responsibility--You
leave the laundry around, she picks it up, you mess up the kitchen, she cleans
the dishes, you track in dirt, she cleans the floor." Thoughtful gifts for
your wife--Satin lingerie, gold, diamonds." Thoughtful gifts for your
wife--A new toaster, vacuum cleaner, thigh-master." (I did get that vacuum!)
(She did. Her first birthday after we were married I made the mistake of
buying her a vacuum cleaner and I've never made that mistake again.)
Well, let's jump into the message. We're going to take you on a quick
review. What we've been trying to do during the past several weeks in walk
through a series together called "Love For A Lifetime." And this morning is our
sixth session in this series, and it's really a part II of what we looked at
two weeks ago [the last transcription] "His Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs." We've
said all along through this entire series that men and women are very
different, and most of our problems are rooted in our differences. Every cell
in your body, men, is different than every cell in her body. She sees the world
differently, she describes the world differently. We interact differently, we
have different needs. Not only do we have individual needs, we have mutual
needs. One of the mutual needs that we have is we need spiritual fulfillment.
Everybody has that. Everybody in this room has a need for spiritual
fulfillment. That's because we're three-dimensional beings. Every one of us are
comprised of a body, soul and spirit. We are spiritual beings living in
physical bodies. And God intended us to become one with one another through
marriage, and true oneness requires a bonding of all three dimensions of your
being--body, soul and spirit. The bonding of your bodies is done through
physical touch and sex. The bonding of your souls comes through emotional and
relational interaction. And the bonding of your spirits comes through a shared
faith and through [shared] spiritual experiences. Now you can have a one, two
or three dimensional relationship. God's hope for all of us it that we will
have a three-dimensional relationship by not neglecting the spiritual dimension
of your life. We ought to be praying together, we ought to be worshipping
together, we ought to be growing together. We also have a second need, and that
second need is a need for emotional fulfillment. You see, everyone has an
emotional tank. The secret to staying in love is keeping that tank full. Now
all of our marital problems reflect an empty emotional tank. Every affair is
the ultimate result of an empty emotional tank. And most of our marital
misunderstandings are due to our failure to understand how to fill our mate's
tank. You see, we are responsible to fill that other person's tank. They can't
fill it themselves, they can't empty it themselves. We all have this driving
need to have this emotional tank filled. We make deposits in that person's
emotional tank when we meet their needs. We make withdrawals when we ignore
their needs. And the important thing about this is the fuel in that emotional
tank is the fuel upon which love burns. And if love is going to last a
lifetime, we must know how to fill the emotional tank of the person that we
live with. Now this morning we're going to review the two first needs of a man
and woman, and then focus most of our time on the next four. So all in all,
we're going to look at the five basic needs of a man, the five basic needs of a
woman. Now these needs are not mine, I didn't invent them. The basic needs that
I'll mention to you come from a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard
Harley. Now the information I'll be sharing with you is not necessarily his,
but I have found these to be absolutely consistent with my experience as a
pastor and as a husband and as a father, and as somebody who works with
couples. These five needs, when met, fill the emotional tank, which keeps love
burning. So we've got to know what they are and how to meet them. Now some of
them will sound stereo-typical, some of them will sound simplistic, some of
them will even sound chauvinistic. But I can tell you this, every successful
marriage I know of has most of these needs things going for it, these needs
being met. On the other hand, nearly every marriage I know of personally, where
there has been marital strife or problems, or where the marriage has fallen
apart, it was because these needs were not being acknowledged and met--the
emotional tanks were empty. So that's the focus this morning.
Now two
weeks ago we looked at the # 1 need of a woman, and that was the need for
affection. Now a woman needs affection. It is the cement of a relationship.
Men need to understand that affection is not an event, it's an environment. And
we as guys are responsible to create an environment of affection. Writing her
notes, sending her flowers, holding her hands, giving her that back-rub,
bringing her token gifts, hugging her, kissing her, all of these kinds of
things create an environment of affection. It's her # 1 need. It is the most
significant way to fill her emotional tank. The # 1 need of a man, on the other
hand, is sexual fulfillment. We saw from Scriptures in 1 Corinthians that God
calls us to meet one another's physical, sexual needs, and that it is so
important that nothing should interrupt those needs [being fulfilled] except a
short season of prayer. Men need sexual fulfillment, and if affection is the
cement of a relationship for a woman, then a fulfilling sexual relationship is
really the cement of a relationship for a man. And so his # 1 need--sexual
fulfillment, her # 1 need--affection.
Now, the # 2 need of a woman
is conversation. The second most significant way to fill her emotional tank, to
fuel love to burn for a lifetime is to communicate with her, to converse with
her. You see women enjoy conversation simply for the sake of conversing. She
needs daily conversation. If you're out of town guys, you ought to call her
every single day. She needs regular consistent conversation with you. How much
does she need? You're not going to like the answer. Most of the studies done
from successful couples to try to discover how much personal interaction and
communication is occurring during a week that causes love to grow, keep the
tank full, comes in somewhere around 10 to 15 hours a week. Ooow. Now when I
first began to read those studies I was very troubled. Because where in the
world am I going to get 15 minutes a day, much less 15 hours a week? And yet,
lest you think I'm crazy, you need to understand, as we walk through this, that
many of the other needs of a man and other needs of a woman, as you begin to
meet them, they also contribute to and meet this need. And 10 to 15 hours a
week, when you understand the rest of the scenario, is not such an unrealistic
figure. So don't allow yourself to say, "Well, I'll never make it." You see, if
love is to last a lifetime, you have to fall in love with the same person over
and over and over again. And that requires communication and lots of it.
People fall in love as a result of the time they spend exchanging
conversation and affection. So we need that much. The problem is, that
after the marriage, the average couple spends 37 minutes a week in meaningful
conversation. So 37 minutes a week is a long way from 10 to 15 hours. Is it any
wonder then that we as Americans in our fast-paced living lead the world in
divorce? We have allowed everything else to consume the time that was supposed
to be devoted to the # 2 need of a woman, and our marriages fall apart.
Somewhere along the line, she'll say something to you like, "You know, I miss
the talks that we once had." Because before you were married, you talked for
hours, right guys? Remember that? In fact, if you were to calculate it out, you
probably spent somewhere between 10 to 15 hours a week winning her hand in
marriage. Suddenly, when you've won the prize you think it's not necessary
anymore to keep falling in love. And yet it is absolutely essential. So she
misses it, so somewhere she'll say, "You know, I miss the talks we once had.
Honey, let's talk." Guys, that is the signal that her emotional tank is
emptying. And it needs to be replenished and refilled, and only you can do it.
And if you don't she will turn to someone else, someone else to converse with.
It ought to be you. The worse thing you can say guys, when she says "Honey,
let's talk"--the worse thing, I mean, this is the bottom of the pit guys, when
you say, "Sure! What do you want to talk about?!" Don't ever say that again.
That is not a good response. Her first thought will be, "Well, if you don't
know the answer to that question, then I guess we don't have anything to talk
about." It wounds her spirit, and you see, that answer "Sure! What'ya want to
talk about?!" reflects the male beat toward communicating for the purpose of
solutions. That's the way we talk, guys, we talked about this in our
communication series. But you see, women don't communicate for solutions, women
communicate for sharing. They share their soul as they talk out loud. And
that's why that answer is so aggravating to her. "Sure! What'ya want to talk
about?!" "Come'on get to it, spit it out? I'll solve it!" It bugs her. Now let
me turn the tables gentlemen, and let me illustrate to you how awful it sounds
to her when you say "Sure! What'ya want to talk about?!" Let's suppose that you
say to her "Honey, let's make love." And she says, "Why? Do you want to have
children?" That is exactly the same answer as when you say "What'ya want to
talk about?!" You see her answer is focussed on the end purpose, right?
Children! And I'll bet that answer would be aggravating to most of you
husbands. Am I right? You chicken-hearts?! You guys! "Oh no, wouldn't aggravate
me at all." You see, he's thinking when she would say that, "I just want to be
intimate with you." Well, when you say "Sure! Want'ya want to talk about?!"
she's thinking "Look I don't want a discussion, I don't want to solve the
world's problems, I just want to be intimate with you." Just as men find sex
enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment, women find conversation enjoyable for the
sake of enjoyment. And guys, it is that important to her, it is her # 2 need,
and God knew that, and so in his wisdom he gave us James 1:19. James 1:19 says,
"My dear brothers, make note of this. Everyone should be quick to hear, slow to
speak, and slow to become angry." Guys, we need to be quick to listen, slow to
speak. The result is a lack of anger in our relationships. God is brilliant, he
knew that was a # 2 need of a woman, so he said that to us so that we wouldn't
mess up the relationships. Her # 1 need--affection, her # 2
need--conversation. His # 1 need--sexual fulfillment. His # 2 need, very
interesting, look at Genesis chapter 2, verse 7. Genesis 2:7 says, "The Lord
formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the
breath of life and the man became a living being." Verse 15, "Then the Lord God
took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and to take care of
it." Verse 18, "Then the Lord said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone, I
will make a helper suitable for him.'" Verse 21, "So the Lord caused the man to
fall into a deep sleep and while he was sleeping he took one of man's ribs,
closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he
had taken from the man and he brought her to the man, and the man said this,
'Now this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she'll be called woman,
for she was taken out of man.' And for this reason a man shall leave his father
and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh." Next week
we're going to look at all the theology behind this as we talk about how to
affair-proof your marriage, and we talk about the bonding process and all of
that. But for now I want you to notice verse 18, it says, "The Lord says that
it is not good for a man to be alone. I'll make a suitable helper for him."
Gentlemen, the most suitable helper for you is the woman. It was God's design,
it was God's creation, it was what he knew you needed. Your # 2 need is a
recreational playmate, in your wife. Your # 1 need is sexual fulfillment. Your
# 2 need is a recreational playmate. You see, it's not good to be alone.
And so the most suitable helper for you, the suitable completer, the most
suitable fulfiller of relationships for you is that one special woman. Now let
me explain this for just a moment. Before the women often do recreational
things with men. You may remember that. You may remember that before you were
married you'd go fishing with him, or you'd throw a football with him, or you
might even stand beside his car and pass him a wrench. Or you might even lift
weights with him, or any one of a hundred other things that are recreational
things that you do typically before your marriage, and I think it's because
instinctively, women know that this is a good relationship builder. When we
went on our honeymoon, you now there was a limiting factor on finances and so
forth, and so we decided that we would spend four days, because that was all we
could afford, working our way down the coast of Monterray, Pacific Grove and so
forth, and in that area. And then we had three days left before I had to be
back at work, and so I said, "What do you want to do with those other three
days, Sony?" And she said, "I don't know. What do you want to do?" And I said,
"You know what I really want to do?" She said, "No. What do you really want to
do?" I said, "I want to go water skiing." "Water skiing?" "Yeah." "That's not a
very romantic way to spend your honeymoon." And today when I tell people "Yeah,
we went water skiing on our honeymoon." People look at me like, "What a
dirt-bag you are." But you see, what I didn't realize at the time, is the # 2
need of a man is for a recreational companion. And I instinctively wanted to
take her water skiing, and teach her to water ski. [Roger Littlefield and his
sailing-companion wife! What a close couple.] And that's what we did on my
honeymoon, took her to water ski. You see that T.V shows always portray guys
out in the woods, they're all alone, they're being men, you know. And they're
bragging, "This is the life, no women here, it doesn't get any better than
this!" Nonsense! Truth is, they'd rather have their wives along if their wives
enjoyed the same things they did. I mean, think about it guys, would you rather
look at Harry or your honey, you know? It's not really a contest. And God knew
that. That's why he said, "Look, it's not good to be alone, I'll make a helper
suitable for him." The most suitable recreational companion is your wife. And
ladies, you need to understand that. You see, what happens, is that after the
wedding, wives typically try to get their husbands interested in activities
more to their liking, and guys don't go for that. And so, usually when that
fails, the wives will encourage their husbands to continue on "and do what you
do without me, it'll be O.K. I'll see you when you get home, and we'll connect
later"--and they encourage them to go along and enjoy their recreational
things--and it's the worst thing that you can do for your marriage. Because
what happens then is he is having his # 2 need met somewhere else. Something
else or someone else is filling that emotional tank, and you ought to be
filling it instead. If you're doing things, guys, that she doesn't enjoy doing,
quit doing 'em and do something she enjoys. When we first got married, Sonya
and I, I liked to play baseball. And yet I would come into the house after
working, and two nights a week grab my cleats and my glove and head on out the
door and said, "See ya later." And on Saturdays, spent at the ball park. And
when volleyball season came around there was two nights a week of practice, and
you know, there were the games on Saturdays, so I was two nights and one day a
week when I was out. And she was always gracious and she always encouraged me,
but what I saw happening was that there was a growing resentment in her spirit.
Because if a man only has so much time for a recreational activity, "Why in the
would he rather be with those guys than with me?" [is what she's thinking.] And
she was right, so I put the volleyball aside, put the baseball aside, and we
started to cultivate things that we do together, and it's wonderful. And it's
the way we ought to be. We're meeting--you know when you're meeting not only
your second need but her second need, because you're talking. You're
communicating. There's conversation. And I just want you wives to understand
and appreciate that.
Right after I broke my leg I was at the hair-cutter
getting my hair cut and she asked me of course, "How'd you get your leg
broken?" And I said "I broke it riding dirt bikes." And she said, "Oh, my
husband loves to do that." "What does he ride?" And she said, "He rides those
quad-runner things." And I said, "Oh, have you ever gone with him?" She goes
"Are you kidding? Get out there in the hot and the sand and the dirt and the
stink. I'm not interested in that." And I said, "You know, you really ought to
try it, because the # 2 need of a man is a recreational companion." And she
said "# 2 need? What's his # 1 need?" And I said "Sex", and she said "Oh that
figures." But the # 2 need [of a man] is [for] a recreation companion. I said,
"I'll bet he's asked you to go with him, hasn't he?" She goes, "Yeah, all the
time." I said "Next time he asks you to go, blow his mind and say 'I'd love to
go.'" And she said, "Okay, I will." Well I went in to get my hair cut last
wee